Everyone knows that Robert Pattinson has two main target markets – hysterical teenage girls and lonely old women.
So Miley Cyrus should be perfect for him. Miley’s got a little bit of both Robert Pattinson fans in her – the enthusiasm and breathless cadence of a teenage girl, plus the speaking voice and dead-eyed world-weary cynicism of very, very old lady.
But what’s this? Miley Cyrus doesn’t like Robert Pattinson? And she doesn’t think anyone else likes Robert Pattinson either? And she dedicated an entire 19-word throwaway aside in a stupid magazine for objectionable children to the subject? This means WAR! Possibly.
Although you’d imagine that Twilight hit home hardest with the legions of hormone-spazzed 14-year-old girls who ensured that every screening of the movie had to be followed by four hours of underpaid cinema workers mopping up the involuntary piss tsunami that accompanied every single scene of the breeze catching Robert Pattinson’s dreamy hair, you’re wrong.
In actual fact, the people most affected by Twilight were the small army of Disney-created tween stars. Knowing that it’d be patently absurd for them to carry on singing songs about how special everyone is on the inside by the time they’d started to sprout pubes, the likes of Vanessa Hudgens and The Jonas Brothers all lobbied for roles in the Twilight sequel, seeing it as the ideal career stepping stone between being a tween sensation and an adult hasbeen with a number of debilitating substance abuse problems.
But one tween wasn’t having any of this Twilight malarkey. And that’s Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus wants nothing to do with Twilight for the following reasons:
1 – Miley Cyrus still successful in her own right.
2 – To remain in keeping with her career so far, Miley Cyrus would contractually want Twilight 2 renamed Miley Cyrus In Twilight 2: Miley’s Craziest Adventure Yet!!
3 – If Miley Cyrus wants to be around creepy, otherworldly vampires all day, she can just hang out with her dad.
Also, Miley Cyrus doesn’t even like Robert Pattinson that much. She even told Teen Vogue that exact thing. Look:
“I’m not a huge Rob Pattinson fan. Girls aren’t really in love with Rob; they’re in love with [‘Twilight’ hero] Edward.”
What? Miley Cyrus, how dare you! Suggesting that girls don’t really love Robert Pattinson just because in person he’s sort of wooden and awkward and smells like heated-up animal dung? Don’t you realise that you’ve just alienated your entire fanbase here? Don’t make them pick between Robert Pattinson and you, Miley Cyrus. It can only end one way – sure, you might have broad commercial appeal, but until you’ve played such a transparently idealised version of masculinity that an entire generation of females will grow up depressed that you can never be theirs, you’re doomed to lose.
We guess we can write off the chances of seeing a Robert Pattinson/ Miley Cyrus romance too, then. Oh, who are we kidding – it was never going to happen. After all, Miley Cyrus is 16 years old and Robert Pattinson is 22. Judging by her previous form, that makes Robert about a decade too young for Miley.