OK Lisa Bonet, You Win The Stupidest Baby Name Contest
Shiloh Nouvel, Bluebell Madonna, Bronx Mowgli, Dolly Rebecca Rose – you are now, and will always be, failures.
Why? Because there’s a very good chance you’ll be able to spell or pronounce your names by the time you’re 35. That’s not a luxury afforded to the brand-new child of former Cosby Show star Lisa Bonet, though, because Lisa Bonet has decided to give her baby son the worst name of any human being ever.
Ready? Lisa Bonet has called her son Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. Again, that’s Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. We believe it’s Native American for That Kid Who Everyone Beats Up.
As any parent will tell you, naming a child can be hard – you have to weigh up how well it reflects the baby’s still-developing personality, whether its name will be suitable when it reaches adulthood, whether or not it can be twisted to become a playground taunt – and if that’s the case for you, let Lisa Bonet teach you her little baby-naming secret.
First, you need to make a list of the top five options for your baby’s name. And then you just put them in a row and, bingo, baby’s named.
Actually, that’s a lie. Lisa Bonet didn’t do that at all – she picked five names, spelled them out in Scrabble tiles, put all the tiles in a bag, shook the bag as hand as she could, blindly drew the tiles out of the bag and just named the baby with the arbitrarily-chosen words that resulted. She must have done. That’s literally the only way we could ever understand her naming her baby Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.
Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, for crying out loud. What, it’s not enough that she’s known for being Denise Huxtable in The Cosby Show, Mickey Rourke’s sex partner in Angel Heart and the woman who inspired It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over by Lenny Kravitz? Lisa Bonet also wants to go down in history as the woman who chose the most hamfisted-ever name for a baby and the woman whose baby-naming techniques possibly stray closest to actual child abuse? That’s just greedy, Lisa Bonet. Greedy.
But, no, let’s give Lisa Bonet’s mother-in-law the opportunity to explain why Lisa inexplicably decided to call her baby Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, shall we?
“drum roll please….Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. He was born on the stormest, rainy night, so Nakoa(warrior) … Mana(strength/spirit) Kaua(rain) po(dark)… The name was always going to be Nakoa-Wolf, but Jason did the research on first middle name, 2nd middle name as you know is Jason’s.”
Oh, well that’s alright then. Actually, the name Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa is more than just a hodge-podge of vaguely inspirational words listed in an as-good-as-dead language. We’ve also heard that if you say it three times into a mirror at midnight, a monster appears and eats you. True story.
Anyway, congratulations to Lisa Bonet, her husband and her desperately unfortunate child. We’re sure they’re all thrilled that, because of them, somewhere in the world a crestfallen Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are having miserable, passionless sex because they can’t stand only having the world’s second-most rubbishly named baby and think they can come back with something even worse next time. For that, Lisa Bonet, we salute you.
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Well, she’s outdone my effort…
After being ripped off by this Bush’s administration, the name sounds better than ours, SUCKERS.
I think the impenetrable name is because Jason Momoa is upset Stargate: Atlantis is ending.
WEll i have heard some strange name and theses are too, but at least she didn’t name her kid latrine. I know someone with that name. My poor friend.
Well, yea, its a horrible name, but look at the bright side, he can be called Nak, like in, Hey, Nak. Poor kid.
Does anybody really care about that goofy has been? She’s always been a flake anyway.
I’m just glad there wasn’t two dogs fucking outside the hospital..
Mr. Heritage,
I understand that you make your living by writing mean-sprited comments disguised as true reporting, but you are completely off base here. Let me help you understand, if your mind is open to it. If you had traveled west a little, you would have recognized that the name is Hawaiian, from a culture that is alive and well, and in a language that has had a resurgence over the last 30 years resulting in many Hawaiian-immersion schools around the 50th state. The language itself is poetic, and it is not uncommon to give keiki long formal names, but to shorten it in daily practice. So I would call Lisa Bonet’s baby Nakoa. How different is that from Keanu aka Reeves? It is a beautiful name and a gift.
When you kids try to raise 5 children you may understand a thing or two. Making excuses for your prejudices is totally not cool. They will probably grow up to be great!! I would call them Shiloh, Belle, Bronx, Dolly Rose, and Wolf (like Wolf Blitzer) and we will see them in the future. Will we see your prejudiced kids in the future???
How is it possible to be in the 21st century and still be so ignorant? Do we all have to have English names that everyone else may have as well? America is a “melting pot” of culture or so they say but if you were to bring a little piece of culture by naming your child something different everyone’s a critic. This is why America is the way it is. We don’t embrace differences and try to incorporate different ways of thinking. Oh no, we criticize and smash out everything that is deemed to different and weird. In another few decades we will have no culture of our own, we will all be cookie cut outs of what is acceptable according the what shmucks like you deem acceptable.
Ok so the name is longwinded and inane…..At least she didnt name the kid Zeezozuzuzoeyzadfrack Glutz! What? Nobody remmembers Susan Atkins name for her kid?
Just call hims Mr. Blizzard Wizard or Kunta Kente, and let’s get on wit it. By the way, is you all coming to my eniggeration parTy in 2 weeks.
Signed, Half Black Alabama – President Elects
i’m sorry, HOW is being a rich kid in private school with internationals going to be a problem? oh the cocaine! well that has little to do with your name but…
i agree with the comment about your general ignorance. it’s prevelant. i heard a local (PA) bar patron say “I just DON’T LIKE how the PRESIDENT doesn’t have an AMERICAN NAME.” Excuse me?!!! What the hell country DO we live in then?
BTW – how long do you think you’ll make a living at tearing people down? Is it good money?
Psh damn people, who gives a crap?
Go worry about something else…
What’s the big deal of naming your child Latrine? It’s the French equivalent of John.
Live and let live! The world is so full of diversity, let us celebrate it instead of watering it down in the name of boring, inane conformity. Kids like Nakoa will grow up knowing they are unique individuals, not just another Joe. Why do we tolerate kids picking on “weird” kids in this culture? If your plain-name kid beats up on my weird name kid, I’ll sue you for every cent you’re worth.
That child is gonna have hell to pay in middle school
what a dope you are and you get p0aid to write for a living, Although i am not Hawaiian, I don live there, but even if i didn’t i would have still been able to recognize the language.Alohalani is correct, It is a very peotic beautiful language.This idiot probably doesn’t even know what keiki means
you made my day!
this is histarical
She has definately smoked way too much reefer..
To call this attempt at humor culturally insensitive is just the tip of the iceberg of the ignorance here. The comedic perspective here is strictly vaudeville. It’s the 21st century now. Things change. Get used to keeping these jokes where they belong… the frat house.
Oh Lisa Bonet. You dirty dirty bitch.
What kind of weird name is Stuart Heritage. You must have been hurt many time because of your name.
Well, I for one had no idea Lisa Bonet was Hawaiian.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Where do you get of with dissing Stuart Heritage don,t you know that he is the funnyest writer currantly writing in the internet??? Don’t you?????!! Like Chesney said up there ^ this is actualy “histarical” an you can’t argue with that well youcan but you would not be in the correct you would be in the wrong so don,t even bother (argueing with that).
That name is nothing in length compared to some Thai names. Which I suppose, points to more cultural ignorance.
i agree with Alohalani & others. i’ve lived in Honolulu (Hawaii, that is a state for those of you who are that ignorant.
the name that jason & lisa gave their son is an amazing name with beautiful meanings… meaningful & powerful names is a tradition that americans have never honored so anything other that the average ryan, brad, or steve is way too horrific.
and lisa bonet is a great woman who has respect for life & culture (her changed name, lilikoi moon has native american meaning).
wake up people! try living OUTSIDE the box… education is everywhere!
mst3kster: Congrats, that was fucking funny.
Look! it really is a horrible name!!
I was just talking about it to my twins pissflap and bellend
It would be a very boring world if we all had the same name. Except for the boring part of the school day, i.e. Roll Call, which would be greatly reduced.
To all you ignorant people out there, Jason Momoa is HAWAIIAN, there fore it is custom to us HAWAIIAN, to give our children a meaning full name that we parents see fit for the child. Unlike you boring people who give out plain, bland names, we HAWAIIANS like to be original, unique, and want our children to be proud of their names. Although I do not understand why she would name him “Nakoa-Wolf”, I do understand why Jason would give him this “HAWAIIAN” name. I do not expect you to understand, but too make fun, that is just Shameful.
Mei-ling: “Unlike you boring people who give out plain, bland names, we HAWAIIANS like to be original, unique, and want our children to be proud of their names.”
So everyone whose name isn’t Hawaiin is Plain, bland, unoriginal, not unique, and WE don’t want our children to be proud of their names.
Mei-ling: “I do not expect you to understand, but too make fun, that is just Shameful.”
You just insulted everyone who doesn’t have or has named their kid a Hawaiian name…which makes you what???
Is Mei-ling Hawaiian for hypocrite or is that one of you 8 middle names.
In defense of Mei-Ling she is right. and to Irish gemini maybe you are so offended by her comments because you are one of those ignorant people that she was talking about. I am not Hawaiian nor do I have a Hawaiian name but I understand what she was saying, and I wasnt’ offended the child named is not unusual in that culture. P.S. people said Barack Obama was a funny sounding name too.
Lola, Mei-ling, Lisa Bonnet and Husband are all ignorant “Pretentious” twats.
I am an American Indian and I would be pissed if my parents named me Runs with Dear, White buffalo, etc. and in my native language taking the length of my arm to write it. Just because its in your culture doesn’t mean its not impractical or just plain ridiculous in this day and time, or that it’s “deeper” than anyone elses because its longer and is a bitch to spell or pronounce by other cultures.
The meaning of the name Dane is God Is My Judge.
The origin of the name Dane is Scandinavian.
A simple, unoriginal, and even “bland” name meaning something far more meaningful then “rain” or “Dark”.
Lisa’s baby names sounds not good to others but It has a great meaning..
From what I learned as my white female friend married a hawaiian guy and all her kids have hawaiian middle and last names,but with only one or two hawaiian middle names.
I met a chinese man from hawaii once and he told me that if you have one drop of hawaiian blood they consider you hawaiian, does not matter if there is black involved as most of them are asian,black and white mixed together.. That’s why many of them look black, white or asian and inbetween.. They are interesting people and culture.. Nice too..
I ‘ol?’ol? n? ka hue wai i ka piha ‘ole
E ola mau ka ‘olelo Hawai’i!
aia na’e, he inoa nani k?k?
Rich people are idiots. Why are u surprised? But then poor are idiots too, just in a different way. People really do need to realize what bad could happen if they name their child a stupid name. You think for one second that a child is gonna grow up to be great…get real. They are gonna get pissed off at some point and will have a life time of anger issues because of the teasing. I forsee this kid getting into fights and rightly so. The only thing I am asking is think before you name. Maybe if you ask some kids that name you want to give, you can find out ahead of time if there will be a hassel.
Lets just face it…We live in a horrible world filled with all kinds of idiots. The only thing I feel sorry for is the wildlife. They’re held hostage because of the stupidity that runs loose in this world. Now if the government would stop rewarding that kind of behavior, we’d be in better shape.
And, if you don’t like my post. Well…..I just got 3 words for u.
There are so many stupid baby names out there, and I would go on, and on, if I had to list them all on this comment. I just had to laugh at the one Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo. I heard about it from a friend today, and couldn’t believe it!