"The moon hung wrong in the sky that night, and the stars, well the stars all seemed screwy. It was as if the very universe knew I was about to kill my horny ex-wife with a jagged tuna can lid given me by a clerk in some murder store. My coupons were not honoured at the time of purchase, so I just paid full price instead."

Now we're tempted to tell you that that is an excerpt from OJ Simpson's cancelled book If I Did It, but that would be dishonest as we only just then wrote the thing. If you remember a few weeks back though, If I Did It stirred up quite a controversy in many anti-murder circles, and the book got canned.

But you can't keep a guy like OJ down, because he's poor, and really wants money to buy his kids food and stuff. That's why he's now trying to write a non-fiction book about life with his ex-wife while she was still his wife, and not any kind of corpse at all. We think we've found a line from that one too: "She picked up my dirty socks, and asked me why I never put them in a hamper. I said I didn't know, and rolled over."

Notice if you will, the dead-on pentameter.

OJ Simpson is a man with many passions. He enjoys being the trial of the century, he likes to never kill anything, and he loves hiring ghost-writers. That last passion, well that one is moving forward even now. Simpson wants to chronicle his day-to-day life with his ex-wife Nicole Brown-Simpson in a non-fiction best seller.

Since his last imaginary wife-murdering book was pretty much slit & gutted by the world media before it was even published, Simpson is taking this friendlier, less grotesque crack at book penning. And do you think he'd have trouble finding a publisher? Well he wouldn't. His attorney says:

"[The phone is] ringing off the hook. Everybody, regardless of what they are saying publicly, is interested."

OK OJ, you write your real-life auto-biographical non-fiction boring new book. Just keep in mind nobody wants to know about how many lumps of sugar your wife took in her coffee, or about the sensually all-inclusive honeymoon you took several years before some silly people think you did her in. Maybe you should wait until hecklerspray's autobiography comes out to see just how such a thing is done. Our chapter four deals with an account of how we found real pirate treasure in the stomach of a bonafide land-dolphin.

Seriously, we found one on a mountain once.

Read More:

O.J. Simpson Shopping a New Book About Life With Nicole - ABC news