Just as we predicted yesterday, the jury for OJ Simpson’s armed robbery and kidnap trial has now been picked – but there’s one tiny problem.
They’re all white. Every single one of them. Now don’t get us wrong, it almost wasn’t an entirely white jury. It’s just that one prospective black juror was quite religious and therefore capable of forgiveness so she had to go. We’re not making this up, you know.
So, here’s how OJ Simpson stands before his trial properly starts on Monday. He’s being tried for the first time since he was acquitted of two murders he’s widely believed to have committed, for a crime with several witnesses that he was actually recorded participating in, and the only thing stopping him from spending the rest of his life in jail is a group of 12 white people who’ve been specifically chosen for their lack of forgiveness.
Yeah, we’re sure he’ll be fine.
Since he was acquitted of a double murder in 1995, OJ Simpson hasn’t exactly gone out of his way to endear himself to the public – apart from the time he tried to stab Ruby Wax in the chest with a banana, obviously. He’s not a total monster.
Anyway, since his last trial OJ Simpson has tried to keep a low-profile, only popping up occasionally to get banned from a steakhouse or write hypothetical murder books in the worst taste possible. But then OJ Simpson just had to go and get himself arrested on suspicion of armed robbery, didn’t he?
You know what happened by now – right up to the inflection in OJ Simpson’s voice during the last “You think you can steal my shit?” – and that’s the reason for all the jury-selecting that’s gone on in Las Vegas this week ahead of OJ Simpson’s trial.
OJ’s already up against it, thanks to the recording of his alleged armed robbery and the fact that all his hired goons have already pleaded guilty and will testify against him in court. But OJ Simpson likes a challenge, so let’s also make sure that the jury he faces are completely white and sort of mean-seeming just for the hell of it. AP reports:
An all-white jury will judge O.J. Simpson and a co-defendant on kidnapping and robbery charges after defense lawyers lost a contentious courtroom battle to include two African-American women on the panel… Both of the women who were removed had strong religious views, and the prosecutor said he thought one of them would be inclined to “forgive” Simpson while the other said she was hesitant to send anyone to prison.
Of course, back in 1995 OJ Simpson faced a jury that was chiefly black and he was acquitted, so now the fear is that – since the scientific opposite of black is white, and the scientific opposite of innocent is guilty – all the white people are going to find OJ Simpson guilty.
They probably won’t even be making notes on the testimonies, either – the only thing they jot down will be the word ‘guilty’ scrawled several times in a row and crude cartoons of OJ Simpson literally burning in hell while a lot of white people laugh and dance.
Alternatively, the jurors have been picked based on their open-mindedness and neutrality, two things which have never really been race-specific, and the notion that OJ Simpson will be found innocent or guilty depending on how many black faces happen to be present in the jury is completely offensive to just about everyone.
Oh who are we kidding? It’s the first one, isn’t it. Thought so.
Shooty* says
Well, that’s the first triumph for Team OJ then: a good ground for appeal on the basis that the jury was prejudiced.
TarrI Katt says
The exalted white man should never even have gone to trial. I hope they hang OJ Simpson for collecting his own things because I don’t like the color of is skin. Moderate this you assholes.
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
Y’know…
it strikes me as odd that noone ever reflects on the trial FOLLOWING the legendary “O.J. Simpson Trial”. It was called, “O.J. Simpson Trial: The Goldman Family Strike Back”.
In that episode, The Goldman Family…somehow…determine that, though this man has been tried for murder and acquitted by the courts, O.J. Simpson WILL PAY regardless.
Subsequently, The Family sue to hold him “financially lible” (I’m not making this up – I was there) and WON. This judgment effectively blocked O.J. Simpson’s ability to make money ever again in life.
So, essentially, he was put to financial death. I was tempted to think that this coming trial would be the “come-around” but I think that already played out in Episode 2…leading to O.J. penning and trying to flog retarded books and chasing down relics of his more successful, less stabby days.
…then breaking in and reclaiming them at gunpoint.
TMS says
I saw this T-Shirt and couldn’t tell which side of the issue the creator was on… Works both ways I guess:
http://www.innocentasoj.com
Only in America!