It seemed like such a simple plan – the Goldman family would rectify the murder of their son by gaining control of a book about his murder at the hands of the man who was acquitted of murdering him, and get crazy rich in the process.
Only that's not what happened at all. The Goldman family are slowly learning that the tidal wave of outrage over OJ Simpson's book If I Did It hasn't especially died down yet. Just because OJ Simpson won't be making any money from the sale of If I Did It, where OJ Simpson describes how he would have killed his ex-wife and her friend if only someone hadn't got there first, it doesn't mean that people actually want to sell it. Barnes & Noble has announced that it won't be stocking any copies of If I Did It by OJ Simpson in any of its stores when it's published, painfully disappointing up to eight creepy murder-fetishists who haven't heard of Amazon yet.
The story of If I Did It by OJ Simpson has it all. Not the actual story inside If I Did It by OJ Simpson – that just has a man taking leave of his senses to pretend he's a murderer for cash – but the story around If I Did It by OJ Simpson has it all. You want moral outrage? You want job losses? You want complicated legal procedures stemming from a decade-old civil lawsuit? You want a man refusing to sell OJ Simpson any dinner? Like we said, the If I Did It saga has it all.
However, none of that means that anyone is actually going to buy If I Did It by OJ Simpson. Even though OJ Simpson himself won't make any money from the sale of the book – that was all handed over to the family of murdered Ron Goldman, who at one point wanted to call the book the defiantly unsensational Confessions Of A Double Murderer – the fact that publishers even agreed to print the book in the first place has got plenty of people riled. People like the sister of murdered Nicole Brown Simpson, who called for a boycott of If I Did It. And these calls look as if they've been heard – Barnes & Noble has announced that it won't be stocking the book anywhere, as USA Today reports:
If you're hoping to buy O.J. Simpson's If I Did It, don't expect to find a copy at Barnes & Noble. Citing a perceived lack of customer interest, the chain said the book would only be available by special order or for purchase online through Barnes & Noble.com. "Our buyers don't feel there will be enough of a demand to carry it in our stores," Barnes & Noble spokeswoman Mary Ellen Keating told The Associated Press on Tuesday. A rival chain, Borders Group Inc., said Tuesday that it would stock If I Did It, a fictionalized account of the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. But spokeswoman Ann Binkley said Borders "will not promote or market the book in any way."
This is probably the worst possible outcome for everyone. Now that one of America's biggest booksellers won't be stocking If I Did It, hardly anyone will appreciate OJ Simpson's literary flourishes like "then I was all like 'RAARRGH!' and I totally stabbed them and they were like 'uuurgh' and died. I am the best at stabbing" and the Goldman family won't be able to respectfully honour their dead son's memory with that commemorative golden Olympic-sized hot tub that they had their eyes on.
But still, it's not all negative. Now that he's been banned from bookshops, this probably makes OJ Simpson the new Tintin or something. Perhaps he'll do us all a favour and go to the moon soon, if that's the case.