OJ Simpson Posts $125,000 Bail To Enjoy Remaining Freedom

OJ Simpson has been released from jail after posting $125,000 - so make sure you don't steal any of OJ Simpson's shit for the time being, since there's a greater chance that he'll get angry and chase after you with a gun now.

Proving that running into a hotel room and yelping "You think you can steal my shit?" like Al Pacino at the end of Scarface - but with actual human faeces instead of cocaine - is just as interesting as the murder of two human beings, OJ Simpson was met by a furious media scrum yesterday after he was charged with ten felonies stemming from last week's alleged armed robbery and subsequently ordered to pay $125,000 bail. However, OJ Simpson has vowed to lay low and maintain a media silence until his trial is scheduled to begin next year. Disappointing, we know - it always is when a celebrity learns from their mistakes and does something sensible for once.

The world is literally full of different types of crime you can get up, but for OJ Simpson to keep getting caught up in crimes that could land him with a life sentence in jail is either hugely stupid or hugely unlucky. After narrowly missing a life sentence by being cleared of a double murder over a decade ago, you'd have assumed that OJ Simpson would try to just stick to minor crimes like shoplifting Kinder Eggs from newsagents or parking in disabled spaces or going to Ohio and getting a fish drunk. But no - instead, OJ Simpson goes and gets himself arrested for armed robbery in Las Vegas, with the resulting pile-up of felony charges leaving him with the very real prospect of ending up with a life sentence in jail.

But even though the ten felony charges against him - including conspiracy to commit kidnapping, conspiracy to commit robbery, burglary with a deadly weapon, coercion with a deadly weapon, robbery with a deadly weapon, kidnapping with a deadly weapon and assault with a deadly weapon - will be weighing heavy on OJ Simpson's mind at the moment, at least he's had some good news. True, it's cost him $125,000, his passport and several basic human rights that we all take for granted, but now OJ Simpson is free on bail, where he can enjoy month after month of glorious cowering in a darkened room in his house while it gets buzzed by a relentless assault of paparazzi helicopters. The New York Daily News reports:

O.J. Simpson walked free today after posting $125,000 bail on armed robbery and kidnapping charges. He left the lockup a few hours after a Las Vegas judge set bail during a nine-minute hearing. Simpson, who did not speak to reporters, was expected to return home to Miami. "He's very relieved — it's been a very harrowing time for him," Simpson lawyer Yale Galanter said outside the courthouse. "He wants to be home with his family and kids."… Simpson is due back in the court the week of Oct. 22. Galanter said Simpson would not be doing any interviews. "It's my decision," Galanter said, "and that's the way it's going to be."

So at least we'll able to take comfort in the fact that - although he faces life in jail for a botched armed robbery, the Goldman family are trying to get rich off his arrest, there's a book in circulation where he describes murdering his own ex-wife and Naked Gun 2 1/2 hasn't been on TV for ages - OJ Simpson won't be digging himself any further into the ground by giving any big media interviews about his arrest for the time being.

Notice that OJ Simpson only said he's not doing any interviews, though - and, remembering OJ Simpson's penchant for making money out of his own legal tribulations, that probably means that in the next couple of weeks he'll announce his line of "It's not a robbery if you're taking what's already yours" commemorative oversized mugs and pencil cases. And if that happens, we'll be utterly disgusted with OJ Simpson - especially if he makes those at the expense of the "You think you can steal my shit? Against the wall, motherfucker" decorative keyfobs we've been dreaming about all week.

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OJ Simpson Leaves Jail After Posting $125,000 Bail - New York Daily News