OJ Simpson Gets A Proper Jail-Facing Trial

The world has changed since OJ Simpson last stood trial for anything - back then the internet didn't exist, all food tasted like wood shavings and a knife was the most technologically-advanced weapon you could stab people to death with.

But this time, wow. The judge presiding over OJ Simpson's preliminary hearing has ruled that there is more than enough evidence to put OJ Simpson through a full criminal trial for his part in September's supposed armed robbery in Las Vegas. That means that OJ Simpson will have to adjust to being the centrepiece of a blazingly high-profile trial in the 21st century, with all its trappings. OJ Simpson's trial is set to begin in 2008, when you'll be able to stab someone to death with a remote-controlled nanobot and buy food that tastes like anything up to three different types of wood shavings. Sadly, though, the internet still doesn't exist, which means you're imagining all this and should probably get your brain checked out.

2008 looks set to be a golden age of very serious celebrity court cases. Not only will it see Phil Spector's retrial for murder but it'll also be the home to at least some of OJ Simpson's armed robbery trial, for which he could get life in jail. Maybe the Spector and Simpson trials will even run simultaneously, which would be a rare reprieve for OJ Simpson - after all, if that were the case he'd surely get second-billing to the crazy would-be murdering midget in the lesbian get-up.

But that's all speculation - what's important here is that a Las Vegas judge has inevitably ruled that there's easily enough evidence against OJ Simpson to take his armed robbery case to a full criminal trial - where OJ Simpson will face 12 felony counts that could see him thrown in jail until he dies. The ruling came yesterday at the close of OJ Simpson's preliminary hearing, a hearing that has seen OJ Simpson accused of knowing about the guns brought to the raid, then denying any knowledge of them, by two of his accomplices who chose to testify against OJ in return for a lesser punishment.

Yesterday, before the judge made his ruling, OJ Simpson's lawyer Gabriel Grasso did his best to convince the judge to drop the case, saying:

"There has been no showing by the state that there was anything other than the intent by Mr. Simpson to recover property that he reasonably believed was his own property … this is clearly overcharging … Sunglasses? Hats? Cell phones? Twelve counts over that? What are we doing here?"

Meanwhile, after the decision was made, OJ Simpson spoke to reporters, saying:

"This is what we expected. If I have any disappointment it's that I wish a jury was here. As always, I rely on the jury system."

Don't get too excited about seeing OJ Simpson stand a criminal trial, though - court officials say that the trial is a year away at best. That's good news for OJ Simpson, since his supposed armed robbery has a cast made entirely from almost comically shady characters. Thomas Riccio, the auctioneer who set up the meeting between Simpson and the dealers, is a convicted felon. The auctioneers themselves are, in turn, a convicted stalker and a man so money-obsessed that he wants Jack Nicholson to star as him in the film of his own life. And as for OJ Simpson's treacherous goons, well, one of them might be a pimp.

But OJ Simpson has a year to work his defence out, which is plenty of time to solidly question the motives of everyone else involved in the armed robbery. Prosecutors probably won't have to work as hard, what with that tape of OJ Simpson robbing some men at what sounds like gunpoint and all. Either way, it'll be interesting to see how the trial pans out.

And at least this way OJ Simpson has a full year to try and find the world's most beautiful lesbian wig, since that's apparently so key to getting off celebrity gun-based crimes these days.