Be honest – when you heard that The Smurfs was going to be remade into a movie, a tiny part of you died.
Well, there was no need. Further details about the Smurfs movie have emerged, and it looks like it’ll be a masterpiece. The Smurfs will take the gritty realism of The Dark Knight and pair it with the knowing pizazz of Iron Man, while painstakingly staying true to the Smurf canon to keep the purists sated.
What makes us so certain? Simple, because the director of Beverly Hills Chihuahua is directing The Smurfs movie. Beverly Hills Chihuahua! Squeeee!
We want you to do something for us. We want you to make a list of all of your favourite films. Done it? Good. Now, unless you’re a total bellend who hates life, that list will definitely include Big Momma’s House. Right? And Scooby-Doo. And Home Alone 3. And Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. And Never Been Kissed. And Beverly Hills Chihuahua. OF COURSE Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
And what do all of these epic, masterful, emotion-packed blockbusters have in common? Raja Gosnell, that’s what. He directed all of those movies. There’s probably a giant commemorative statue of him somewhere saluting his work. And if there isn’t, there deserves to be. If you want a movie starring a talking dog, a second-rate Macaulay Culkin rip-off, or an unfunny black comedian dressed up as an elderly obese woman, Raja Gosnell is your man.
And so it fills us with absolute relief to be able to announce that Raja Gosnell is going to the man who’ll helm the forthcoming movie adaptation of The Smurfs. Only a man with Raja Gosnell’s dedication, critical adoration and, yes, godlike ability to weave magic out of celluloid would have been able to steer this Smurfy ship away from disaster. Reuters reports:
Raja Gosnell has signed on to direct “Smurfs,” a live action/animated movie starring the popular small blue characters created by Belgian cartoonist Peyo. The plot of “Smurfs” is being kept under wraps, but the story is expected to feature well-loved characters such as Papa Smurf, Smurfette and the villainous Gargamel. The film will be released in 3-D and 2-D formats on December 17, 2010.
But wait, Raja Gosnell is only the icing on a monstrous cake of blazing talent here. The script for The Smurfs is being written by J. David Stem, David N. Weiss and Audrey Wells, the powerhouse scribes behind that George Of The Jungle film you forgot existed and the two least-good Shrek movies. Better yet, The Smurfs is being produced by record-breaking Charlotte’s Web producer Jordan Kerner. Now, true, the record that Charlotte’s Web broke was for the most disappointing movie adaptation of a book you loved as a child, but a record’s a record. The Smurfs movie is going to RULE!
Now all that’s left to do is wait to hear which live-action stars will sign up to play alongside the photo-realistic, cutting-edge animated Smurfs in the movie. Please please PLEASE let one of them be Jennifer Love Hewitt! She’s exactly the sort of highbrow, artistically magnificent thespian that the Smurfs movie demands!
Gemma says
Mr Heritage, I’ll have you know Never Been Kissed is indeed on my list of favourite films. If only because as a student I used to watch it approximately three times a month when drunk on homemade margaritas.
I’d like to say I’ve grown out of that, but I’d be lying.
JoeMomma says
So are all the Beverly Hills Chihuaua fans going to be in an uproar about you slagging their movie?
But seriously though, is the thought in Hollywood “We want to make a crappy Smurf movie as cheap as we can. Who can we get to direct it?”
Oh well another movie for the 2/$5 pile.
teampixie says
i love the smurfs and those wonderful smurf hats! hope they have the smurf song!
EvilSmurf says
I detected a hint of sarcasm in your monologue. Just a hint.
Anyway, I have to admit this is yet another on a long list of movies born from cartoons, comics, toys or children’s books that will simply either hit or miss by a mile. Most of us who played with Transformers or GI Joe as kids no doubt viewed the release of a Transformers movie with skepticism until we actually went and saw it. And the movie, as well as it’s sequel, kicked ass. I’ve seen the previews for the upcoming GI Joe and it looks promising as well. But, then again, this is The Smurfs we’re talking about and I forsee a pitifully weak production budget. I watched the show as a child and found it entertaining at the time but looking back at what I remember of it, all I’m left with is a vague impression that can only only be summed up in five words. “Damn, that show was silly.” So, I wouldn’t be too concerned if Hollywood cheapens and destroys yet another classic by attempting to modernize and commercialize it for the sake of a few extra bucks. And don’t be surprised that Stephen Spielburg isn’t directing it, because pretty much the only thing that might look worse than The Smurfs Movie on a guy’s resume is Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Which is why they got Raja Gosnell. If they wanted any worthwhile director, they’d probably have to kidknap his family and bury them alive with just enough food and oxygen to survive until production concluded. The main concern shouldn’t be who’s headlining this project, but rather that they’re actually going through with it at all. Some things are just better left untouched. But leave it to the greedy mofos in Tinseltown to exploit one more childhood memory for the sake of seducing the next generation of crib midgets so they’ll nag us for new Smurf toys, happy meals, and a trip to the big city to see Smurfs On Ice. About the only real hope this movie has for mass appeal is to skip the live action and go full CGI with a damn good script and character representation. Handy Smurf better be a fricken MacGyver, Papa Smurf better be a miniature Gandalf and Smurfette.. well, let’s not get kinky, but you get the idea. And as for Gargamel, they’d better not sugarcoat the fact his primary ambition was to bake, fillet, poach and stew the little blue freaks and enjoy one sadistic meal after another. Personally, I think The Smurfs Movie could be done extremely well and be fun for most ages, but the sad reality is they’ll probably screw it up completely with bad casting and a lame story line. It’s The Smurfs, after all. How cool could they possibly make it, without a PG-13 rating? Without some healthy, creative additions like Ninja Smurf, Psycho Smurf, and Ghetto Smurf.. this movie is doomed. Hollywood: please, leave the damn Smurfs alone and go make another Care Bears movie, so I don’t have to wonder whether it will suck big furry balls or not.