Do you like watching billion-year-old transvestites stagger around to hopeless Rolling Stones rip-offs?
You do? Well, your options have been limited lately. After Aerosmith disbanded in an orgy of chaos last year, your only two options were either to pay a bunch of billion-year-old transvestites to stagger around to hopeless Rolling Stones rip-offs or just to just buy a Rolling Stones concert ticket.
But fear not! Aerosmith have now reunited with Steven Tyler, and they plan to tour Europe this summer. They even made a video to announce it and everything. And if you don’t like Aerosmith, it doesn’t matter – the video also doubles as a sort of condensed Pirates Of The Caribbean movie where Johnny Depp dies and the undertaker decides to keep his body in a warm room for a decade and then dress his remains up in an absurd ladyboy outfit for a bit of a laugh.
It can’t be easy being an Aerosmith fan. At every turn you’re confronted with the possibility that they’re going to release another power ballad about Ben Affleck being blown up by an asteroid. Entire concerts are spent worrying that Steven Tyler is going to topple off another stage and put his hip out. You have to live with the fact that your favourite band look like the Fireys from Labyrinth and haven’t done a single thing of any worth since about 1987.
And then there’s not knowing whether they’ve split up or not. Six months ago, for example, it looked as though Aerosmith were done for – Steven Tyler announced that he wanted to concentrate on something called ‘Brand Tyler’, which presumably consists of dressing up like a flamboyant old lady and rarely making sense – and the band immediately splintered. Joe Perry said that Aerosmith would continue without Tyler, then Tyler joined the band onstage, then Joe Perry said that they were still splitting up, and then Steven Tyler went to rehab. It looked as if Aerosmith were done for.
But thank heavens for awkward contract-fulfilling legal obligations, that’s all we have to say. Because Steven Tyler’s lawyers reportedly threatened his bandmates with legal action unless they let him return to the band, Aerosmith have announced a brand new European tour this summer. Look – here’s a bunch of badly-made, weather-beaten shop mannequins to tell you about it…
What a kaleidoscope of body language that was. Watch it again, and pay close attention to Joe Perry’s terse, awkward stance throughout it. If it looks familiar to you, it’s because it’s the exact face that hostages pull while they’re pleading with the British government to release them. They don’t want to say it, but they’re scared of what will happen if they refuse. You might have to watch it a few times, though, because Steven Tyler’s hat is so moronic that it’ll probably distract you. It’s the millinery equivalent of watching a child repeatedly batter himself in the face with a tea tray.
But still, at least this means that Aerosmith are back together! Back together until they die! So back together until about mid-April, by the look of them!
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
