Oh Dear Lord, No - Victoria Beckham To Get Naked

What with the imminant Spice Girls reunion, the accompanying braindead Tesco adverts and the multimillionaire footballer husband, you'd think that Victoria Beckham was probably doing OK for publicity at the moment.

But since we understand that Victoria Beckham's quest for attention won't rest until all TV stations show nothing but an unsmiling image of her face, all newborn babies are genetically altered to look just like her and planet Earth is renamed planet Victoria Beckham Isn't An Idiot Actually, she's not satisfied with any of this. And that's presumably why Victoria Beckham has decided to get naked. However, Victoria Beckham is only getting naked for a new T-shirt design, putting to rest any fears that she's going to strip off in the middle of Picadilly Circus screaming "LOVE ME!" over and over again until she starts crying and someone from St John's Ambulance has to take her for a sit down and a nice cup of tea. 

If Victoria Beckham isn't careful she might not be the most famous Spice Girl when the Spice Girls comeback tour starts on Sunday. Even though she got the prime role of Blubber-Gobbed Incoherent Moron in the Spice Girls Tesco advert, Victoria Beckham now has to compete with Mel B for the most-loved Spice Girl slot, thanks to Mel B's twin abilities of getting pregnant off Eddie Murphy and not winning dancing contests.

And that's why Victoria Beckham needs to step up her attention-grabbing campaign. She's suffered quite a lot on this front lately - of all the deafening hoo-hah that came when Victoria Beckham moved to LA, the only things she's really achieved out of it is a one-millisecond guest-spot on Ugly Betty and an unfortunate incident with some unpleasant pigs, which can't have been too high up on her initial wish-list. 

In Victoria Beckham's eyes, that just leaves one thing - getting naked. Even though the world has clearly suffered enough lately, Victoria Beckham has decided to get naked for a range of charity T-shirts by her fashionista friend Marc Jacobs. Following on from successful campaigns from the likes of Naomi Campbell and Winona Ryder, Victoria Beckham is to strip down to nothing to raise money for a skin cancer charity, presumably accompanied by the slogan 'Listen Girls, Just Paint Yourself Bright Orange Like I Do, Nobody Can Tell The Difference, Honestly.' 

But a voice inside Victoria Beckham's head source seems to think that the naked Victoria Beckham T-shirts - costing £10 each from Marc Jacobs stores - will go down a treat, telling The Mirror:

"Victoria loves Marc's work but she wasn't entirely comfortable with getting naked. Marc went all-out to persuade her. And when she heard about what a great cause it was she knew she just couldn't turn it down. The picture she and Marc have chosen is amazing - sexy but tasteful."

Yeah, good, because 'sexy' and 'tasteful' are obviously the first two words that pop into our heads when we think of Victoria Beckham. The third and fourth words, in case you were interested, are 'chavvy' and 'tiresome'.

Of course, these naked Victoria Beckham T-shirts are bound to be a huge sell-out success just like all the previous Marc Jacobs charity T-shirts. Not only are they helping a good cause, you see, but they're also making quite a profound statement.

True, that statement is 'Look at me! I'm walking around with a picture of Victoria Beckham's tits and minge plastered all over my front like some kind of nasty billboard! I literally have no sense of right and wrong! In fact, you may as well punch me for even wearing it out in public! Go on! Punch me! Right here on my stupid chin! And then steal my purse!' but it's still a statement.

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Victoria Poses Naked - Mirror