Who can honestly look themselves in the eye and, hand on heart, say that at some point in their lives they haven't seriously considered spending thousands of dollars on a bulletproof vest that Michael Jackson wore at his absolute most paranoid?
Nobody, you're right. That's why a collection of stuff belonging to Michael Jackson is expected to fetch millions of dollars when it goes on sale at auction tomorrow. Costumes, documents, disembodied plastic alien heads and thousands of other items belonging to Michael Jackson will be available to the public in what's being billed as the largest sale of Jackson family memorabilia ever. The auction is by no means perfect, however, since the three items that all Michael Jackson fans want to own aren't on sale – and we're sure you don't need telling that those items are the picture of the last supper where Michael Jackson is Christ and Einstein and Abraham Lincoln are his disciples, a six-pack of Jesus Juice and a voucher for 30 minutes of non-stop molesting. That last one isn't on sale because Michael Jackson was found not guilty of it – but that isn't to say that you wouldn't buy the voucher if it existed, you weird pervert.
It doesn't matter what you do or how odd you are, flog your stuff off at auction and you'll always find a buyer. Star Trek raised millions of dollars at auction despite being basically a tatty old TV show for geeks, Cher raised millions of dollars at auction despite only being liked by a fictional character from Will & Grace and Ellen Barkin sold off her huge jewel collection for $20 million – which is weird, because we didn't even think anyone even liked Ellen Barkin that much.
So if those losers can rake in the cash through auctions, imagine what Michael Jackson should be able to do. He's the man, after all, who can sell handshakes for $3,400 and can decide to build 50-foot laser-eyed robot Michael Jacksons to walk around the desert. Michael Jackson is so famous that people can sue him for murder just because he was in the same hospital that someone died in, so imagine how much money he'll make from the Jackson memorabilia auction that kicks into action tomorrow.
None, that's how much.
Although 1,100 pieces of personal Michael Jackson memorabilia are going to be auctioned off tomorrow, none of them actually belong to Michael Jackson. Thanks to bankruptcy and various subsequent sales, the items are now in the possession of transport company Universal Express Inc, and have been insured for over $100 million – not that it stopped Michael Jackson from trying to block the sale. Among the items is the contract formalising the sale of Neverland to Michael Jackson in 1987, a bulletproof vest and also a telegram from Marlon Brando ordering Michael Jackson not to fall in the orchestra pit at a concert. To call Arlan Ettinger, president of auction house Guernsey's, excited about the sale would be an understatement, as MSNBC reports:
"This really is a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. I cannot imagine that somewhere down the road some other collection could come out of the woodwork and rival this. It's not going to happen."
But however many tens of millions of dollars this Michael Jackson auction raises, rest assured that it won't even touch the amount that we'd be willing to pay for the master copy of the new Will.I.Am-produced Michael Jackson album, just so we can snap it in half in front of Michael Jackson's crying face and spend another six blissful years without having to hear any new Michael Jackson music.