Now that Paul McCartney has been branded a violent, frothy-mouthed wife abuser two times over, he needs to ensure that everything that happens from now until the end of his divorce is whiter than white.

Of course, being the king of inoffensive, two-thumbs-up, mullet-shaking MOR pop, Paul McCartney won't have too much of a problem with this – he's already used the 'dignified silence' trick to full effect in the face of all the recent domestic violence allegations – but those around Paul McCartney are having a slightly harder time keeping their graceful smiles in check. Like Paul's daughter Stella McCartney for instance, who's apparently started screaming about how much she wants to kill Heather Mills in the manner that a Columbo suspect would ten seconds before they're arrested. 

If you're like us, you're wondering how on Earth the Sunday papers are going to be able to keep up this relentless assault of front pages detailing new revelations about the divorce of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. We already know the main stuff; that, after about ten seconds of pretending it was a friendly split, the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce got nasty and Royal divorce lawyers were hired. We also know all the juicy stuff; that Heather Mills says Paul McCartney beat her up with a wineglass, that Heather Mills says Paul McCartney beat up Linda McCartney and that Heather Mills is the star of the least arousing soft porn photos anyone has ever seen. And now all that's left is the boring and irrelevant stuff.

The boring stuff will have to wait, though, because all sorts of irrelevant stuff is in its way. Irrelevant stuff like, oh, what Rod Stewart makes of the Paul McCartney divorce and what Paul McCartney's grown-up daughter Stella McCartney did when she heard about all those claims of abuse. According to the News Of The World:

The fashion designer flew into a terrifying rage after hearing that Heather claimed Macca hit her mother Linda. Pregnant Stella, 34, had to be restrained by the former Beatle as she screamed: "I'm going to kill that bitch! I can't believe what she's doing! I'm going to kill her!"… "I told you she was a bitch," she screamed. "Why did you marry her? She's been a manipulative cow from day one. The cow won't be happy until she destroys all of us – and our memories of our mother'."

This news must be galling for Paul McCartney. For one, this divorce means that the every single bad aspect of his personal life has been laid out for all to see. Also, phrases like "I'm going to kill that bitch" aren't really the cleverest when used in the company of someone accused of wife abuse. Finally, now that Stella McCartney has laid the verbal smackdown on Heather Mills so spectacularly, Paul McCartney isn't just the least interesting Beatle any more, he's also the least interesting McCartney.

Read more:

I'll Kill The Bitch – News Of The World

[story by Stuart Heritage]