Being Madonna is such hard work, you know. Everything’s just so much effort – every night it’s ‘should I wear the disgusting purple leotard or the disgusting pink leotard to show my 48-year-old vagina off in?’

And that’s just leotards – imagine the difficult decisions Madonna has to make about other stuff. Like adopting a boy from Malawi, for example. First Madonna did want to adopt a Malawi boy, then she didn’t want to adopt a Malawi boy, then Guy Ritchie said that adopting a Malawi boy was an even dumber idea than his pitch for Swept Away 2: Swept Away… From Space! And now guess what’s happened? A Malawi man is claiming that Madonna has adopted his son, that’s what. Will this Malawi stuff never end?