Being Madonna is such hard work, you know. Everything's just so much effort – every night it's 'should I wear the disgusting purple leotard or the disgusting pink leotard to show my 48-year-old vagina off in?'
And that's just leotards – imagine the difficult decisions Madonna has to make about other stuff. Like adopting a boy from Malawi, for example. First Madonna did want to adopt a Malawi boy, then she didn't want to adopt a Malawi boy, then Guy Ritchie said that adopting a Malawi boy was an even dumber idea than his pitch for Swept Away 2: Swept Away… From Space! And now guess what's happened? A Malawi man is claiming that Madonna has adopted his one-year-old son, that's what. Will this Malawi stuff never end?
Madonna, by her own admission, is the queen of reinvention. In her time, Madonna has been a sassy young pop queen, Eva Peron, a woman who thinks charging people to see pictures of her licking Naomi Campbell's armpit is a good idea and a horse-falling, hernia-ridden pretend lady of the manor who splits her time equally between larking about on a giant crucifix and only ever crapping from brand new toilet seats. But it's time for a change, and for her next trick Madonna will become Angelina Jolie. Possibly.
We've all seen what adopting loads of kids has done for Angelina Jolie – she's gone from being the big-lipped Lara Croft to the genuine saviour of the entire universe – and that's a pie that Madonna wants a slice of. Last week Madonna went to Malawi to adopt an orphan… or did she? Those reports were quickly shot down by Madonna's camp, who said that Madonna just wanted to help build an orphan centre and that she didn't want to adopt any kind of child. That was good news for Guy Ritchie, who was reportedly under the impression that – as far as ideas go – Madonna's Malawi adoption plans were a bit chicken jalfrezi.
But then, just as soon as we were beginning to buy Madonna not wanting to adopt a kid in Malawi, Yohane Banda opened his big mouth. According to Yohane Banda, Madonna's already adopted his son David:
"I know he will be very happy in America… I am the father of David, who has been adopted. I am very very happy because as you can see there is poverty in this village and I know he will be very well looked after in America."
There's still no word from Madonna or her slaves about whether or not Madonna has adopted young David Banda, but we're treating the whole thing with a full side order of suspicion. Look at the facts – how would Madonna be treated by her peers if she returned from Malawi with a boy called David? We can't see Madonna taking a David home if it meant leaving a Kiambiroiro or an Mbishiri behind, can you?
[story by Stuart Heritage]