As much as you respect Lindsay Lohan for constantly talking so much demented nonsense that she's actually become a parody of a parody of herself, it's another of Lindsay Lohan's talents that should be grabbing your attention at the moment – stripping.
That's right – Lindsay Lohan is going to play a stripper in a new film entitled I Know Who Killed Me. But don't get too excited about it, because Lindsay Lohan's preparation for the movie hasn't been going well at all – according to reports, Lindsay Lohan has written an email to all her friends describing just how upsettingly bruised her legs have become after taking pole-dancing lessons. And a good job too, since there's certainly nothing we'd like to see more than the mottled, welt-covered stick-thin legs of an Alcoholics Anonymous member with a history of eating disorders gyrating on a 30ft screen in front of us for two hours, no siree.
We're beginning to suspect that Lindsay Lohan should fire her agent and try to hire one that isn't a ceaselessly aroused 14-year-old boy. It has only been two months since Lindsay Lohan announced her lesbian sex movie with Keira Knightley, and now she's making a new movie about a stripper. If things carry on down this road it's only a matter of days before a Lindsay Lohan vehicle about a flight attendant in a tight latex dress who fights an alien invasion off only with her tits is announced. Let's hope so anyway, because that script took us bloody hours to write.
But just because Lindsay Lohan is playing a stripper in a movie, it doesn't mean that things are going especially swimmingly. Although Lindsay Lohan has a vast experience of doing lame-o drunken poledances with Kate Moss, she also has an equally large experience of being a flaky little wuss about everything. Studies show that Lindsay Lohan is literally the only human being in the history of the world who can have an asthma attack in Florida, slice up her leg on one of Bryan Adams' teacups, have a nasty fall and break her wrist and get dehydrated enough to go to hospital in the space of a year, so any encounter that Lindsay Lohan would have with a stripper's pole was always going to end in tears, wasn't it?
Page Six reports that Lindsay Lohan detailed the precise injuries that she picked up while twirling around on a metal stick to an Annie Lennox record – see, we've seen Striptease – in an email to just about everyone she knows:
An e-mail she sent to pals last week has the subject title: "They're all whores, they're all whores . . . xcept for some obviously!" Lohan wrote in the note, "So . . . 3 hours of pole dancing and bruised. everywhere . . . I mean we're talkin' like, UPPER AND INNER THIGH ACTION-bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark. I mean really though, really, I didn't know it was actually possible to have bruises in such areas of the body. Strippers dude, I tell you, I really respect the [c-word]s now. . . I'm not gonna lie to ya."
Imagine how empowered the strippers feel now that the ginger girl from Herbie: Fully Loaded has endorsed them between fits of calling them "whores" and "cunts". And this newfound respect for women who show their mimsies off to drunk businessmen for cash extends beyond Lindsay Lohan all the way to Lindsay Lohan's slave Leslie Sloane Zelnik, who Page Six reports as saying:
"She's been in rehearsals for the film and has been taking classes from Sheila Kelly." Kelly developed the famed "S Factor: Aerobic Striptease Workout and Pole Dancing." "Her character is a stripper, and she now realizes that the job isn't easy. We should give these women credit."
Lindsay Lohan and her paid slaves are spot-on. Strippers should be given more respect and credit, because they risk their lives day in and day out by wiggling their arses at overcompensatingly heterosexual rugby players. Maybe there should be some brand new International Ministry Of Stripping set up to exclusively give strippers the respect and credit they deserve. It's cool, though, because Lindsay Lohan totally knows Al Gore. He'll help.
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Lentsum says
Who’d have gueesed that Lohan would beat Alba to the ‘showing off their boobies’ movie. And if she doesn’t show off her boobies i want my money back. In advance