Now Even David Blaine Thinks That David Blaine Is Rubbish
When David Blaine looks back on his life, his upside down stunt will be his third-biggest regret, after his stupid beard and the way he never got a proper job.
By promising to hang upside down for 60 hours, only to end up taking breaks for a third of that time because it hurt when he peed, David Blaine lost a lot of fans. And rightly so – it’s one thing to pretend to pull your own heart out of your chest, but not letting blood collect in his brain for long enough to kill him? Boo you, sir. Boo to you.
Anyway, one of the biggest fans that David Blaine lost with his stunt seems to be David Blaine himself. Speaking on Regis And Kelly, David Blaine told the world that he’s disappointed with the stunt, especially the ending. As are we, David. We wanted the stunt to end with your head exploding, and you knew that.
When you’re David Blaine and live in the crack between reality and fantasy in a box made of shards of the limits of human endurance, you have to be prepared for things not to go your way sometimes. Well, OK, maybe a little more than sometimes.
Looking back, most of David Blaine’s stunts end in disappointment – the profound artistic statement of his 40-day starvation in London was somewhat tarnished by the crowds of drunken city boys throwing hamburgers and getting their arses out. And who can forget the bitterly disappointing end to his Drowned Alive stunt when, strapped into shackles and weighed down by lead, David Blaine resolutely refused to drown?
However, nothing has been quite as disappointing as David Blaine’s Dive Of Death stunt this week. It was never a great idea to begin with – although David Blaine risked blindness and an exploded head by hanging upside down for 60 hours, easily making it one of his most dangerous stunts ever, as far as spectacle went it was just a bloke swinging by his ankles, which is obviously quite rubbish.
Worse still, David Blaine didn’t even stay upside down for 60 hours. Because of the extreme health risks – and also because he didn’t want to end up covered in piss – David Blaine took 20 minutes off each hour to stand up and have a bit of a rest.
But worst of all was the ending. Throughout the stunt David Blaine had been promising the most spectacular ending of anything he’d done yet, but when push came to shove he just sort of halfheartedly disappeared. And that’s what hurts David Blaine the most – so much so that he went on TV to apologise about it.
Speaking on Live With Regis And Kelly, David explained that he was supposed to jump out of his harness and then get pulled into the air and away over New York by a giant bunch of helium balloons. But that didn’t happen because it was quite windy:
“I wasn’t going to let everybody down, so I just jumped, and somehow the guys with the balloons made it work, and they pulled me slowly up and I went over into the park and they pulled me down. I know that it didn’t work right when all my friends called up and said, `Wait, what happened? I’m confused.’”
Actually, that original ending does sound sort of cool. But David Blaine hates to let his fans down – when his Drowned Alive stunt ended in failure, he went on Oprah later to finish it the way he’d always intended – so maybe Blaine will revisit his balloon stunt again before long.
Lets hope so – it’ll give us time to stockpile blowdarts first.
“…when all my friends called up…”, David? No, calls from friends show up on a phone record – and it makes a ringing noise before you answer it…and when you do, it’s not Houdini on the other end saying “Never give up hope. You are my spiritual successor, my protégé…my son.”
What you’re experiencing are auditory hallucinations, and I’m not convinced you weren’t already having them before this stunt.
God, I miss David Nixon and that bloke with the ponytail who used to blow ciggie smoke into soap bubbles.
He was fucking brilliant, that bubble bloke. Now that was entertainment.
I’m so pleased that someone else remembers him, Gilbert. After some pointless searching and gin-swilling I found out that he was called Tom Noddy and he’s still alive! Wahey! He’s packed in the cigs though, but I expect they’ll be the end of him eventually anyway. You didn’t hear him saying “I might die doing this” when HE did a trick, did you Blaine? No you didn’t. We all knew he was going to f**king die – he must have smoked a thousand tabs a week. It just made us clap harder at his act. Unlike at Blaine’s Evel Knievel style of crowd-pulling.
Wow, I wonder if David Nixon is till alive too. Now THAT would be an impressive trick.
Remember when Paul Daniels crawled through that wall of teacups and claimed that he nearly died doing that? I bet you wish you had Daniels, ’cause you’re Tesco’s bitch now.
>> “I miss that bloke with the ponytail who used to
>> blow ciggie smoke into soap bubbles”
I prefer the Japanese girls who take milk enemas and compete to squirt them the furthest. While naked. But for some unknown reason, their website charges a fee.
Stuart – You and all the other haters are Just JEAULOUS RUBBISH COLD HEARTED IDIOTS! You will never accomplish what David Blaine has. He is human. Only GOD is perfect. David Blaine is the THE GREATEST! You are a loser. I used to love English people but am starting to believe that the majority are so cold hearted. Pick on people in your Country and back of David Blaine. Rubbish miserable bloke.
Debbie