First just let us say that watching Denise Richards’ reality show has changed our life forever.

Not necessarily because it gave us any sort of epiphany, or because our television glows a heavenly white light every time its on, but because 7 minutes into episode-one our colon totally blew out. We think it’s because of her overall smugness.

Ends up the glowing was just a regular electricity-glow. All TVs have it.

But moving on to the next step in the Sheen/Richards divorce fiasco, it turns out that three years ago Charlie called Denise in a rage – a rage wherein he dropped the N-word for some reason. Would you like more specifics?

Yes, we thought you might.

Picture it – you’re already in a very high profile messy divorce, something doesn’t go your way, then bam! You snap and call your white ex-wife something that rhymes with chigger. The newly leaked 3 1/2 year old message comes in the form of two voicemails as seen below:

“Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Message Received at 12:46pm

I guess I should just get used to the fact that you know, you fire off your nonsense and you’re lawyer bullshit and your fucking emails and then you don’t answer the phone, and you know, you don’t have the fucking courage or the wherewithal to like confront me or deal with me or just be fucking honest. And the forthright and I guess I just gotta stop being disappointed by that because that’s just who you are and what you do. And I guess once I accept that, I won’t be frustrated by your chicken shit fucking behavior, so whatever. I’m just really fucking mad and you owe me a phone call. Okay. Cause again, if I did the same shit to you, you’d be fucking furious. Alright, so whatever.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Message Received at 1:00pm

Yea, I just got your other email and I am a little confused because you told me that was something you only told a couple of people, and this and that, and I just, again you continue to be deceitful and mischievous and sneaky, and you’re a fucking liar. Okay. You’re a fucking liar. So, you know what it’s like, fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright, so fuck you.”

There it is – the all powerful N-word. It ruined Michael Richards, it ruined that one bounty hunter and quite a few years ago it upset an awful lot of non-volunteer slaves. Sheen’s issued a statement though – a pretty slick one at that. It just may get him out of trouble:

“I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings.”

See how he slipped that in there? A black best man that he go to use twice – nothing racist there. Now if only that crap-tacular Two & Half Men could be that slick. But it’s not. We’ve come to terms with that ages ago. It took about half an episode, but when we knew, we knew. It’s a terrible drama stuffed brim-full of characters we just can’t care about.

What’s that? It’s not a drama? You just blew our mind – and in the same article as our colon no less.

To read more, see “Charlie Sheen’s Denise apology” on Monsters & Critics