Look, let’s not dilly-dally – this is an Amy Winehouse story, so it’s either going to be about drugs or violence.

Or, at a push, degenerative skin conditions. But, no, we shouldn’t toy with you – after all, stories about Amy Winehouse’s degenerative skin conditions are a rare and valuable delicacy, much like scabby truffles. Actually, this is a violence-based Amy Winehouse story – she’s been charged with assault after allegedly punching a dancer in the face.

Upon hearing this news, Chris Brown is thought to have exclaimed “Punched someone in the face, eh?” before developing a visible erection and politely excusing himself.

It’s been a while since we heard from Amy Winehouse – or perhaps it’s us who’ve been ignoring her, since glancing at a picture of Amy Winehouse’s face for even a second is thought to be the closest a human being can ever come to confronting the finality of death.

But, in summary, Amy Winehouse has been to St Lucia to quit drugs, started crawling round on her hands and knees like a pub dog, played topless boardgames on the beach with a series of inexplicably nauseous opponents and gained some freckles that may or may not actually be the splattered blood of her fallen enemies.

Oh, and she might have punched a dancer in the head as well. Because Amy Winehouse has just been charged with assault. The Sun reports:

The troubled singer will appear in court later this month accused of hitting dancer Sherene Flash, who had asked for a photo. The incident took place at the end of summer ball at Berkeley Square. Amy reportedly agreed but lashed out when the woman asked if her friend could pose for a picture, striking her in the arm and face. After the alleged incident, Amy ran away screaming: “Life can’t go on. I can’t do this anymore.”

That’s the thing about disturbingly wayward drug addicts, they’re not specific enough. When Amy Winehouse said “I can’t do this anymore,” did she mean life? Fame? Substance abuse? Or did she mean she can’t allegedly lose her temper and arbitrarily start punching dancers in the face anymore? Because if that is what she meant, that’d probably count as remorse and her sentence could be halved as a result.

But, heh, wouldn’t it be ironic if Amy Winehouse got sent to jail right after her husband Blake was released from jail? No, hang on, ‘ironic’ was the wrong word. What we meant to say was ‘wouldn’t it be a tragic reminder of the effects of hard drugs on otherwise responsibility-free young adults if Amy Winehouse got sent to jail right after her husband Blake was released from jail?’ And the answer to that, obviously, would be ‘yes’.

As for a punishment, we’re going to avoid the obvious and refrain from saying that Amy Winehouse and Chris Brown should be locked in a cage until only one can walk out. Not because it’s a cheap shot or anything, but because we’ve determined that people as allegedly violent as Chris Brown and Amy Winehouse would collide with the force of two CERN particles, instantly destroy each other and create a black hole within the fabric of time and space into which we’d all be sucked.

Science can prove that, too, we think you’ll find.

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