Nothing Even Vaguely Exciting Happens At The Q Awards

Hey kids, do you know the difference between an icon, a legend, an idol and a hero? No, nor do we - but the organisers of the Q Awards sure do, and yesterday they handed out trophies for all four, and one of them went to Kylie Minogue.

Voted for by the readers of Q magazine - so that means your Dad, a handful of Keane fans and, we assume, Jeremy Clarkson - the Q Awards are an important highlight in the music industry's calender and not just a chance for Q to make up a bunch of confusingly similar award categories and then just hurl them at whoever happens to turn up. And this year, from the results of yesterday's Q Awards, we can tell you that The Verve made a good album a decade ago, The Stereophonics made a good song nine years ago and Ian Brown from The Stone Roses has been certified as a legend, placing him in the same league as William Tell and the lost city of Atlantis. Is your life enriched by any of this yet?

Q magazine - the album that prematurely ejaculates each time it hears the name Michael Stipe - might not be doing as great as it once was. Faced with an annual 17% circulation drop despite pulling all sorts of cool-dad stunts like saying 'iPod' a lot and pretending it likes Kate Nash, the glory days of Q magazine seem to be over. But Q still has one shining jewel it can buff to within an inch of its life each year - the Q Awards. 

The Q Awards are a lot like The Brits, except that a) they're not televised, b) they're voted for by whoever reads Q magazine these days, c) they're so fixated on the past that we're stunned the awards themselves aren't carved out of turnips, d) they usually result in a suffocatingly smug Q magazine cover shoot starring Bono and Paul McCartney and e) sometimes exciting stuff happens. The previous two Q Awards, for example, have seen Yoko Ono slagging off Paul McCartney and Noel Gallagher comparing Liam Gallagher to a monkey.

With this in mind, what controversial japes happened at this year's Q Awards, held yesterday at the Grosvenor House Hotel? Well, frankly none. Amy Winehouse won Best Album but chose not to have a drug-fuelled whore-based razorblade fight with her husband onstage, Kylie Minogue won the Q Idol award not because of her music but because she had cancer and Paul McCartney won the Q Icon award for his 50-year career in music even though everyone knows he'll be given the exact same thing next year for his 51-year career in music. But, hey, at least Q editor Paul Rees knows how to talk up a good awards show, as The Times reports:

"This year, as ever, the Q Awards celebrate and herald great music of all genres and era - from the best in new music to rock's legendary elite. And, at a time when the digital revolution has prompted many to predict the demise of the music business itself, this year the awards also demonstrate that great music and outstanding artists will continue to flourish and inspire, no matter how or where people choose to listen to them."

See, the music industry's not dead - something that the Q Awards proved yesterday by handing out awards to a fat Welsh 1990s band, a dull Welsh 1990s band, two annoying 1990s singers, an annoying 1960s singer, a band that split up a decade ago, a loudmouth 1980s singer, a dead bloke, him out of The Smiths, a 1990s female singer and Muse. Of course, new acts were recognised at the Q Awards too - but if Kate Nash is the future of music we're going to be awfully upset. Here's a full list of yesterday's Q Award winners:

Best New Act - The Enemy

Best Track - Manic Street Preachers, Your Love Alone Is Not Enough

Breakthrough Artist - Kate Nash

Best Video - Kaiser Chiefs, Ruby

Q Classic Song - Stereophonics, Local Boy In The Photograph

Q Classic Album - The Verve, Urban Hymns

Q Innovation In Sound - Sigur Ros

Q Lifetime Achievement - Johnny Marr

Q Merit Award - Ryan Adams

Q Hero - Anthony H Wilson

Best Album - Amy Winehouse, Back To Black

Best Live Act - Muse

Q Legend - Ian Brown

Q Classic Songwriter - Billy Bragg

Q Inspiration Award - Damon Albarn

Best Act In The World Today - Arctic Monkeys

Q Idol - Kylie Minogue

Q Icon - Sir Paul McCartney

Read more: 

Kylie Minogue Honoured At Q Awards - The Times