Take a portion of rice, cup full of chilli powder, nine cans of lager, a large packet of chips, cup of curry sauce from the local Chinese takeaway, a couple of mints and what do you get? Vomit-induced fun!
Mmm, all those undigested chunks floating around in a river of brown liquid either in the middle of the street, the next door neighbour’s neatly trimmed lawn or your mate’s bed.
Whilst the above combination is the result of typical student bids to be wacky and impressive, everyone can now experience the thrill of choking on their own sick. You see, everyone’s favourite reality TV star Kerry Katona has decided to show the world her boobs. Well, we’ve got to work one way or another. Even if it puts the health of the nation at risk.
If people in the south of England were looking for a person they believed represented the apparent grim north of England, then Kerry Katona would be that individual. With multiple children from multiple fathers crawling out the woodwork and allegations of partners cheating during pregnancy, Kerry’s life has all the ingredients for Jeremy Kyle’s wet dream.
For poor Kerry, life hasn’t been a fairytale. Honestly, it’s like Stephen King has given up trying to scare people with evil cars and instead wants to make the most grotesque human being ever.
Kerry Katona has threatened to distort our vision with parts of her wobbly body before. She was offered money by MTV to drop her pants and show the world her Atomic Kitten.
Honestly, MTV must be running out of American imported programmes, because they’ve again signed up Katona to show off her body having litres of fat, cigarette ash and alcohol sucked out of it. Maybe she gets to keep it in a jar.
The show – which definitely has no bitter references to her ex-bandmates – is called Kerry Katona: Whole Again and will be airing later this month. In a statement from the channel, we’re promised that “following the birth of her fourth child in April, image conscious Kerry has been eager to regain her original popstar status of sexy, blonde bombshell.â€
The key words there being ‘image conscious’. Or, a more literal translation: “I’ll never get on the front of multiple shit womens’ magazines if I have one tit five times the size of the other and a belly that you could rest a pint onâ€. There you are kids, who says people up north are stupid?
So what spin-off documenting Kerry Katona’s life will be snapped up next? Between now and Christmas we expect to see at least four of the following:
Kerry Katona gets knocked unconscious by a falling conker.
Kerry Katona locks herself out the house.
Kerry Katona gets chased by a squirrel.
Kerry Katona falls down a manhole.
Kerry Katona visits Iceland the country.
Kerry Katona visits Iceland the supermarket to see what she actually promotes.
Kerry Katona solves the credit crunch, slows down global warming and reduces fuel prices all before teatime.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Matthew, you’re a great big titillating tease. I’m salivating down here.
(you know life’s a bit “different” on the edge of the world)
Aww, a big titillating tease. That’s one to put on the gravestone.
It’ll help you stand out in the eyes of necrophiliacs, at least.
i’m so glad i’m american. no kerry katona, and all the boobies you could ever want to look at. you know, without having to resort to kerry katona’s.
in fact, in my fair city of atlanta, there’s a dive bar “where strippers go to die” with a chick named blondie who crushes beer cans with her tits, and i’d rather watch that.
just saying, it’s good to be king.
Here’s a short list of things I’d rather have enter my eyes than the image of Kerry Katona unclad:
Wasps. Arse first. At supersonic velocities.
That is all.
whats wrong with you lot? nothing wrong with those puppies. just bypass the mush and we are good to go.
It’s not the puppies I have a problem with Ironlung. It’s the dinner medals on them.
“What’s this Kerry? A birthmark?”
“No. Gravy. Get off. That’s mine.”
Oh yeah…and her f**king face. You’d put the bag on – but you would still know what’s underneath. The opposite of Viagra…in face form.
I suppose you could gaze lovingly into the back of her head, but she’d want to turn round at least once or twice a year..and that’s not on at all. No. No. No.
No, really. No.