So the economy is shrinking faster than hecklerspray’s love-orbs when listening to Richard Keys and Andy Grey discussing the finer points of Germaine Greer (and they would absolutely talk about her “finer” “points”, the horndogs. They really are the worst men on the whole entire planet, apart from all of the other men who talk like that all the time, don’t wear microphones for a living and aren’t suing their own vengeful bosses).
But never mind that: it’s nearly time for you to force open your prudently clamped shut wallet and liberally throw coins at your telly, in the hope that one will bounce off your empty Fosters can installation, arc beautifully through the dancing dust mites, hit the off button and save you having to bear another evening of Patrick Kielty making sincere mewling noises at African kids.
Comic Relief, eh? What a shower of arse.
Now please, don’t hunt us down and end us with prejudicial force. hecklerspray loves charity, and suggests you give every single penny you haven’t spunked on Zinger Tower burgers and our way awesome t-shirts on feeding the world AND making it a better place, dammit. But the smug wankery and sudden crunching mood gear-changes that accompany a typical charity telethon give us such a foul brainbuzz that it makes us want to go out and find orphaned donkeys just so we can burn them with B&Hs.
And the irresponsible hecks at the BBC are just encouraging our atrocious behaviour by elongating the charity yuks – and we mean yuks – over months and grating months. The main event doesn’t ruin our lives until 18th March, but the line-up for grim offshoot Let’s Dance For Comic Relief has been announced, and it starts in three goddamn weeks.
Let’s Dance For Comic Relief! You know, the dancey/laughter one! Remember? When Robert Webb did Flashdance, and a nation united in confusion blinked, gasped and asked as one “Who the Jarrod Christmas is that incredibly ugly woman with great pins?” And then last year, when it was already a bit of a stale idea, well past its sell-by date, but the nation gave it a sniff and shrugged and shoved it down anyway, mostly because Rufus Hound deployed the age-old comedy torpedo of wearing make-up and a wig without removing his insane facial topiary? No? Well, you’re unlikely to be excited by this news, then. You’re also a sensible and, may we say, bloody sexy melonfarmer. But bear with us.
This year, the prancers-abouters will be Colin and Justin, which is boring, Penny Smith, which is so beyond boring even Penny Smith herself can’t even be arsed to crack a smile about it, not that we have a single clue who she is, Rebecca Front, who is a damn great actress and has featured in some of the best British comedies of all time so needs to go out in the first week to prevent utter career ruination, and Noel Fielding. Noel Fielding.
Noel Fielding?! Well, that’s the sparkly pixie skinny-trousered stupid-hatted Fenella-the-Kettle-Witch-faced sub-NME-haired Camden-shrouded Geldof-botherer slap bang into the mainstream, then. God only knows what he’ll try and dance to; some ridiculous jazz-funk scatfest to prevent the Boosh obsessives from self-harming? A Boomtown Rats/Pixie Lott mash-up, complete with knowing winks and subtle pelvic thrusts to camera? Or just the kerrrazy Ninja Raccoon Glitter Orchestra rhythms pounding through his overrated mophead?
Whatever it is, new presenter “that Christine Bleakley Real Doll off the One Show” is excited!
“I was a huge fan of Let’s Dance last year and can’t wait to join Steve and the team,” Alex Jones said.
Aaah, bless her. She’s keen. You know what? Maybe it won’t be so bad. It’ll just be a laugh, won’t it? Yeah! A laugh! Total enjoyment! Noel will waggle his non-existent arse to Beyonce’s Crazy In Love, and we’ll all have happy smiling faces with nary a care in the world! Sorry, what’s that, Alex?
“It’s come at the perfect time for me having just returned from filming in Africa for Comic Relief where I saw first hand how we can really make a difference.”
Jesus. Way to bring us down with all the starving kids there, love. And that’s Comic Relief all over. We’re all having a lovely time, but there’s always the haunting feeling that at any moment Michael McIntyre is going to suddenly appear and make his eyes go all wide and sad like a cow listening to Jeff Buckley and remind us of all the terrible things in the world that aren’t him.
More Comic Relief news will hopefully, for your sakes, not be forthcoming. Please give generously.
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Albi says
What did Noel Fielding ever do to you? If he didn’t kill someone you know then theres no reason to be so judgemental and mean-spirited.
If you love charity then stop criticising the lengths that they go to to try to get money out of a population that loves chavs, attention seekers and the odd actual talented person dancing to silly songs in degrading outfits. It’s all Big Brother’s fault, really.
Stop being a keyboard warrior. Yes this “Let’s Dance” business is shit, but it raises money for a good cause and that’s all the people who make these shows care about – or atleast, what they should care about.
Charlotte says
Leave Noel alone and stop picking on charity. There’s no need to write a whole article pretty much just being negative about everything. Try doing some positive journalism, it involves more creativity.
mc says
“…sparkly pixie skinny-trousered stupid-hatted Fenella-the-Kettle-Witch-faced sub-NME-haired Camden-shrouded Geldof-botherer…”
Funny – I always thought of Ms. Geldof as a Fielding-botherer. /jk
This time for real: adding Fielding is a smart move on the organizers’ part. Boosh obsessives and haters will watch in droves, and the mainstream audience will find him pleasantly baffling.
iamelectrogirl says
Hello! I am one of those affore-mentioned Boosh obsessives, and I cannot wait for Just Dance. Comic Relief is brilliant, you are obviously the kind of person who watches things on BBC 4 and the like and does not appreciate it – Robert Webb was amazing and so was Rufus Hound, and I can say with absolute certainty without having to actually see what you look like, that Noel Fielding is sexier than you shall ever be so leave his arse alone ;) He’s adorable and will most probably win.
Starliteprism says
I am also a Boosh “obsessive”, but it’s strange how you classify “us ” as self-harmers, when the majority probably are quite the opposite. Nice generalisation. And great how you paint yourself in such negative tones when clearly you have run out of tools to make a constructive opinion and simply resort in making personal attacks.
To iamelectrogirl- To back up your latter point, Noel is BEYOND sexy as he has a wonderful, generous, and honest personality that gushes out in all of his creative outlets.;-)