Martha Stewart is really something, like a robot comprised of Delia Smith's matronly organisation skills, Nigella Lawson's complete inability to present a TV show and the dirty people down your road's hopelessness at selling houses.

It's the latter that has been getting Martha Stewart the most attention lately, as it's been revealed that she's been trying to sell her $9 million Westport mansion for months without anyone showing any interest in it. However, perhaps the problem isn't Martha Stewart or her house – Martha's mansion is only a few minutes away from Michael Bolton's house, and surely nobody in their right mind would want to live that close to that shit-haired 1980s crooner, right? Not when they could get just as close to Curtis Stigers for a much better price.

Martha Stewart is a woman who has it all; her own multi-billion dollar corporation, Martha – a TV show where she can give a voice to people who make pigs prettier for a living and people who wear ponchos all the time, a lucrative sideline selling Martha Stewart-branded Christmas CDs, hobbies that include rowing pumpkins across rivers and going to prison for long stretches of time. But that isn't to say that Martha Stewart is completely perfect, though.

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart was an unmitigated failure – as any show where the person who sacks you immediately writes a letter of apology afterwards deserves to be – and not even some fashionable Donald Trump-blaming could stop the show from sliding into the sea. And a second knock for Martha Stewart has come in the shape of her inability to sell her Westport mansion. Martha Stewart says of her $9 million mansion:

"I am so sad to be leaving this property which has meant so much to me and my family. The four acres of garden have been tended with great care for more than 30 years and the circa 1805 farmhouse and outbuildings have been the location of wonderful family celebrations, legendary television specials and comfortable gatherings of friends."

Leaving aside the fact that you should never trust a human being who uses the word 'circa' in informal conversation, why hasn't Martha Stewart even had a sniff of interest in her big expensive house? Experts are quick to point out that luxury houses sometimes do take a long time to sell, but we're not so sure. Chances are that nobody wants to buy Martha Stewart's house because it's full of old jeans that Martha's needlessly turned into rubbish flowers. Although Martha Stewart is sad to be leaving Westport, the same can't be said for the editor of Westport magazine, who's being a bit sniffy about it all:

"There was certainly no real sense of loss. I think 70 percent of the people who live in Westport have a Martha story. She just wasn't very easy to live with."

Still, any Westport dwellers upset at seeing less of Martha Stewart still have the Martha show to watch. According to her website, this Friday Martha will be making Easter eggs. In August.

Read more:

Martha Stewart Finally Leaving Westport – Forbes

[story by Stuart Heritage]