A sequel to Trainspotting – the film about how cool it is to shit in your bed, swim down bogs and take enough heroin for Dale Winton to start discussing illness on TV while a dead baby crawls across the ceiling – has long been rumoured.
But one thing's for certain – Ewan McGregor absolutely doesn't want to star in a movie adaptation of Porno, the sequel novel to Trainspotting, no matter what he's offered. This is completely because Ewan McGregor read Porno and didn't like it very much and not at all because Ewan McGregor is still bitter that Danny Boyle wanted Leonardo DiCaprio to be in The Beach instead of him and now he wouldn't even be in a Danny Boyle film if Boyle paid him a trillion pounds to star as God in a movie called Ewan McGregor Is The Bestest Actor Ever. He just doesn't like the book, OK? Maybe Danny Boyle should ask Leonardo DiCaprio to be in Porno instead, since he's so flipping good at acting. Cuh.
Although it clearly looks ridiculous now, Trainspotting was quite the hot new thing when it arrived in cinemas eleven years ago, and it wasn't an uncommon sight to see skinny kids rushing out of the multiplexes and immediately trying to buy heroin from the first person they saw because Trainspotting just made it look so darn cool. And literally everyone who was in Trainspotting has now gone on to become a thousand times more famous than they were before. People like Robert Carlysle, who went on to be a Bond villain; Johnny Lee Miller, who went on to star in shortlived Ray Liotta vehicle Smith; and Ewen Bremner, who went on to play the hilarious boggly-eyed policeman in the Jackie Chan Around The World In 80 Days movie.
But standing head and shoulders above them all is Ewan McGregor. Since making Trainspotting, Ewan McGregor has gone on to become a megastar, doing a rubbish accent for the Star Wars prequels, a rubbish accent for The Island, a rubbish accent for Rogue Trader and possibly a rubbish accent for Miss Potter, although we're just guessing at that last one because you'd need to put a gun to our head to make us actually watch it. But even though Ewan McGregor is much more famous than anyone else who was in Trainspotting, it'd be a jolly nice show for him to return to the little league and pay respect to his roots by reforming with the old gang and making Porno, the sequel to Trainspotting, wouldn't it?
Only that's not going to happen. Ewan McGregor – soon to be seen doing a rubbish accent in the new Woody Allen film – has decided that he'll never be in Porno because it's a crap book. The Daily Record reports:
Maybe that is the real reason why Ewan McGregor doesn't want to be in the Trainspotting sequel, or maybe it's the long-rumoured tiff between McGregor and Trainspotting director Danny Boyle, but something's stopping him. Perhaps someone could suggest that Porno could be rewritten to be based in Holland, because then that'd give Ewan McGregor a chance to rock out an appalling Dutch accent. And we all know how much he loves his shit accents.