No Jail For Uma Thurman’s Adorably Kooky Stalker

Let this be a lesson to you all - you don’t relentlessly stalk Uma Thurman with a series of disturbing gifts and nightmarish doodles and get away with it.

Unless you mean that you’ll go to jail if you stalk Uma Thurman, because if that’s the case then yes, you probably will get away with it - just like Jack Jordan, the man recently found guilty of being Uma Thurman’s crazy stalker. Rather than jail, Jack Jordan has been given three years probation and some outpatient psychiatric treatment.

In addition to this, Jack Jordan has been banned from any contact with Uma Thurman for five years. Which means that the unveiling of his masterwork Man Falling Off Giant Razorblade Into Grave Dug By Giggling Bride Uma Thurman (Oil On Canvas) has been pushed back to 2013, a bitter blow to lovers of creepy deranged art everywhere.

Some celebrity stalkers of recent years have been more blindly traditional (anonymously sending packets of dildos to Britney Spears) or thrillingly creative (a tip of the hat to you, Dessarae Bradford), but none have managed the full-on high profile media assault of Uma Thurman’s stalker Jack Jordan.

Jack Jordan ran the gauntlet of stalking techniques to try and convince Uma Thurman that they were preordained to be together forever - he contacted Uma’s father and threatened to kill himself, he slept in a car near Uma’s house and he sent her torn-up pieces of paper, pictures of headless brides, creepy cards with stick figures of grave diggers on the back and a scribbled list of creepy words - but all to no avail.

Not only did Uma Thurman turn down Jack Jordan’s attractive ’stay with me forever and never leave me’ proposition, but she also took him to court and got him convicted of stalking and harrassing her - charges that carry a maximum punishment of a year in jail.

Not that Jack Jordan’s going to serve a year in jail, though - as he was sentenced yesterday, it became clear that ‘no time in jail at all’ was closer to what the judge had in mind. E! Online reports:

“I’m terrified of being incarcerated again,” he told the court before his sentencing. “My greatest wish is that I had known sooner that I was putting fear into the heart [of Thurman].” While prosecutors pushed for the maximum sentence of one year in prison for the conviction on aggravated harassment , New York State Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro opted to have Jordan serve probation in his home state of Maryland with the condition that he receive outpatient psychiatric treatment… As for his stalking count, Jordan was sentenced to time already served.

Escaping jail can only be a good thing for Jack Jordan, because as a celebrity stalker he’d face a barrage of victimisation from other inmates if he was sent to jail - at least until he’d drawn pictures of them as headless giggling brides and won their hearts forever. But what about Uma Thurman?

Surely Uma won’t be able to fully relax with Jordan still on the outside. Every day that Jack Jordan isn’t locked up - even if he’s in another state - will be another day that she’ll be expecting another terrifying onslaught of negative attention. Not that she’ll have to adjust all that much, though - on any given day she already has to put up with verbal abuse from up to 400 disgruntled fans who were tricked into seeing My Super Ex Girlfriend. She’ll do OK.