Nikki’s Pottymouth Ends Live Big Brother Finals

As X Factor, Strictly Come Dancing and I Can Vaguely Be Perceived As Being Slightly More Famous Than You In Some Circumstances Get Me Out Of Here rattle to an end, thoughts naturally turn to next year's Big Brother.

And next year's Big Brother is going to be a whole lot different to any series of Big Brother you've seen so far. Although the basic structure of Big Brother will remain - a handful of grasping, self-serving, woefully inadequate dickwads will all live in a garish house for three months, bursting into tears and having petty squabbles every six seconds oblivious to the fact that in the outside world every human being they've ever had the smallest amount of feelings for has sold a tawdry kiss and tell story to a Sunday newspaper about them - but next year's Big Brother final won't be live any more. Why? Because screeching nobsack Nikki from this year's Big Brother said "I'm fucking shitting it" during this year's final and it made two people sad. 

"Housemates, this is Davina. You're live on Channel Four, please do not swear." As far as catchphrases go it's a lousy one, but it's better than Davina McCall's last one, which went "Please watch my rubbish chatshow. Please. I know its rubbish, but I need the money. I've had 936 babies. Please, for the love of God, won't someone watch it?" But anyway. That first one isn't a catchphrase you'll hear Davina McCall speaking any more on Big Brother, as it's probably going to be replaced with "Housemates, this is Davina. You're not live on Channel Four any more so you can swear your flipping tits off and some overworked chump will edit it out."

What are we getting at? Channel Four has announced that it is to end the live Big Brother final after this year's housemates kept swearing before the watershed. Here's The Guardian to explain more:

The Big Brother final will no longer be broadcast live after a flood of pre-watershed swearing. Future finals of Big Brother will be broadcast with a time delay after this year's show was found to have breached Ofcom's code after contestants swore. Channel 4 usually airs live streaming from the Big Brother house with a 15-minute delay in order to cover up swearing, and has traditionally aired the final with a five-minuted delay. This year's final was broadcast live as producers felt confident that the remaining contestants would not swear.

Read that again. Big Brother producers - the people who know more about Big Brother than anyone else - didn't think that the Big Brother housemates would swear. Even though they included sweary Tourette's millionaire Pete Bennett and al sorts of other clumsy-brained special-needs attention whores. Surprisingly enough the Big Brother producers were wrong to show the final live, since during the pre-watershed final Big Brother housemate Aisleyne - the jive-talking foetus from the ghettos of, um, Regent's Park - said:

"You're fucking fantastic."

and

"You're fucking beautiful."

While Big Brother housemate Nikki - the single most annoying human ever to have walked the earth - said:

"I'm fucking shitting it."

Two people complained about this to Ofcom and - bam! - now all previously-live Big Brother finals will be delayed by five minutes while the Big Brother production team works tirelessly to edit out the stream of filth that will no doubt fall out of future housemates' mouths.

And you know what that means? There's going to be more of that intensely irritating birdsong that stopped you from watching Big Brother live on E4. Something to look forward to, eh?

Read more:

Channel 4 ends live Big Brother final - The Guardian