Nicolas Cage Defends Awful-Looking 9/11 Movie

We're sure you're aware that Oliver Stone has been beavering away on a somewhat controversial new project.

World Trade Center - hitting cinemas this summer, like all good blockbusters, except one based on real people dying and stuff - has been attracting a good deal of criticism from people who think the idea of making an action movie about the tragic events of 9/11 may seem a little… well… appalling. A point of view which has certainly riled main star Nicolas Cage. Nicky-boy, you see, is putting away his usual bug-eyed theatrics in order to play police officer John Mcloughlin, one of the last two people found alive after the towers collapsed.

Nicolas Cage has tried to placate the worries of angry relatives of those killed in the attacks:

"The movie is not meant to entertain. I see it as storytelling which depicts history. This is what happened. Look at it. The picture feels like real time unfolding. It smacks of reality and feels as real as it can. The movie's about what happened among this handful of men when the buildings came down."

Hmm. What about you, dear heckler? Are YOU worried that this movie will turn out to be a frenziedly cynical, sickeningly exploitative piece of absolute garbage? Do YOU think that using CGI to recreate the events of 9/11 - footage we've all probably seen at least once a week since the day itself - is a mite pointless?

Fear not. We've done a bit of Hollywood bin-rummaging and managed to get our hands on some of the original production notes for this movie marvel.

Here, then, is Oliver Stone's Ten-Point Plan For Making A Great 9/11 Movie:

1. Bin Laden now eighty feet tall and with glowing red eyes

2. 'Let's Roll' statement now given entire 5 minute musical sequence

3. Attack on Pentagon foiled at last minute by a giant flag-wearing Cyber Eagle

4. Wesley Snipes to defeat terrorists in wise-crackin' action style

5. Planes were actually, like, missiles or something, probably controlled by, like, the same badass conspiracy dudes who shot Kennedy, man

6. Celine Dion to perform title theme 'My Tower Is Still Standing'

7. No good-looking people to be killed during attack

8. Allah And Jesus go head-to-head in all-action Godzilla-style finale

9. Explosions to be made approximately 75% more awesome

10. President Bush to be sat in study reading Proust's In Search Of Lost Time when told of attacks, and definitely not sat in a class full of children, listening to them ramble on about a pet goat or something, all the while sinking into a 'daddys-boy-done-fucked-up' quagmire of hellish self-realisation, every line of which is etched onto his rapidly-aging, borderline-retarded face 

There you go, cineplex-visitors. You've got absolutely nothing to worry about.

Not a thing.

Read More:

Cage Defends 9/11 Film - Breaking News

[story by C J Davies]