Nick Cannon To Host America’s Got Zero Self-Awareness
The thing about America’s Got Talent is that it isn’t really about talent – it’s about attention-seeking idiots.
But at least America’s Got Talent knows this. That’s why, to replace Jerry Springer, the new host of America’s Got Talent has been named as Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon. Oh, you know Nick Cannon. He’s Mariah Carey’s husband.
Anyway, to help Nick Cannon fit in, America’s Got Talent is changing its name to suit him. Currently it’s a toss-up between America Once Met A Stripper Called Talent, America’s Got A Rampant Desire For Fame and America Got Married To Someone With Talent For The Money.
It must be hard being Nick Cannon. Not only is he married to Mariah Carey – and is therefore totally eclipsed in terms of recognition, wealth and basic human ability as her – but his sudden engagement and marriage to Mariah has meant that he’s subject to all sorts of accusations of gold-digging and the like.
Plus, you know, it’s Mariah Carey – so Nick Cannon knows that he’s just one innocent request away from bearing the brunt of a berserk screaming mental tantrum.
So, to counter all the accusations made against him, Nick Cannon has decided to earn his keep. And, since his Wikipedia page pegs him as an actor and a rapper, it’s only natural that he’ll do this by becoming a television presenter. And he won’t be presenting any old TV show, either – Nick Cannon will be presenting America’s Got Talent.
Nick Cannon has been recruited to join America’s Got Talent after previous host Jerry Springer bowed out last week, presumably after coming down with a nasty case of ‘If I Even As Much As See One More Bastard Sodding Juggler Again I Swear To God I’m Going To Machinegun A Bloody Orphanage-itis’. E! Online reports:
“I’m thrilled to be working with NBC,” Cannon said, adding that network brass “understand my vision as not only an entertainer but as a creative show producer. I look forward to working with the network and their executive team on America’s Got Talent and other shows to come.”
See? Nick Cannon isn’t just an entertainer, but a ‘creative show producer’. Let’s hope he brings some of his unique vision to the new season of America’s Got Talent, which we expect will feature segments including ‘Who’s the most famous person that you can unexpectedly knock up?’ and ‘the weekly 15-minute reminder of who Nick Cannon is and exactly what he’s doing on your TV screen’.
Oh, we’re just kidding – after Jerry Springer and Regis Philbin, Nick Cannon is going to bring in a whole new younger generation of viewers for America’s Got Talent. The man’s going to transform the show’s appeal – not only is the 16-34 audience share going to skyrocket once Nick Cannon steps aboard, but also the highly sought-after ‘Viewers Rendered Too Incapacitated By Alcohol, Laziness Or Morbid Depression To Stand Up And Look For Their Remote Control To See What Else Is On’ demographic. Nick Cannon is a winner!
Hecklerspray’s got bad gas in the ass and is as low as grass, so I’ll take a pass.