Nick Bollea Loses Fight To Stop Being Fed Through Slots

Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea is having a string of rotten luck at the moment - car crashes, jail sentences, lawsuits, a startlingly mannish mother. Where will it end?

The answer to that is in solitary confinement. Nick Bollea has seen his attempt to be moved out of solitary at Pinellas County Jail overturned by a judge, meaning that for the foreseeable future, all of Nick Bollea’s meals will be fed to him through a slot in the door.

But Nick Bollea will get no sympathy from us. Spending everyday stuck indoors alone? Craving human interaction of any kind? Forgetting what sunlight looks like? Trying hopelessly to entertain yourself just to pass the time? Eating crap food? Come on, that’s practically what we do for a living.

As Hulk Hogan’s son, Nick Bollea must be pretty used to getting his way. Not because people are intimidated by his father’s strength and physical presence, you understand, but because they don’t want to waste a couple of hours watching an old man marching round in circles ripping his clothes and extravagantly feigning deafness in the mistaken belief that it proves a point.

But, as Nick Bollea has discovered, not even having a roidy-looking saveloy-coloured father can help him with some things. For instance, since it doesn’t have the facilities to properly cope with juvenile prisoners, 17-year-old Nick Bollea has been forced to spend the eight months he was sentenced to for felony reckless driving in an adult prison’s maximum security solitary confinement.

And this made Nick Bollea sad, because he didn’t want to be kept in solitary confinement. He wanted a roommate, maybe a screaming heroin addict in withdrawal or a twitchy wifebeater or something fun like that. Better yet, he wanted to go home and spend the rest of his sentence in the desolate surroundings of his parents’ multi-million dollar Florida mansion.

Not going to happen. A judge has overturned the motion to get Nick out of solitary confinement, meaning that he’ll have to suffer through the rest of the eight months eating slot-shaped food and slowly falling in love with his own chair. People reports:

A judge refused Tuesday to release Hulk Hogan’s son from solitary confinement, where the teen is serving a sentence for felony reckless driving. In a three-sentence order, Judge Philip J. Federico denied a motion filed Monday by attorneys for Nick Bollea, 17, claiming the confinement was “cruel and unusual punishment.” The judge did not disclose his reasons for the decision.

It’s a kick in the teeth for Nick Bollea, but it’s not the end of the world completely. We’re sure after eight months of being on his own, Nick will have developed all kinds of skills that he didn’t have before - like shadow-puppetry, the ability to heal injured birds and an impressively efficient masturbation technique. He’ll have gone to prison a boy, but he’ll come out of it a man.

A creepy man with an irrational fear of sunlight who mutters cursewords to himself, granted, but a man nonetheless.