Nick Bollea Is Free! Free! (Not Free)

They say you should always be careful what you wish for, especially if you wish to share a prison cell with three twitching teenage criminals.

As luck would have it, that’s exactly what Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea has been wishing for in public all week. He’s been desperate to get out of the solitary confinement cell that he’s been kept in since he went to prison almost a month ago.

And now, even though a judge ignored his pleas earlier in the week, Nick Bollea has been moved into a communal cell, where he’ll get to experience all the heady delights that prison has to offer when you’re a 17-year-old boy doing time for crashing a wildly expensive supercar and your resentful cellmates have had to give up some of their precious personal space just so they can accommodate a spoilt little rich boy.

That Nick Bollea. He doesn’t know he’s born. For almost a month he enjoyed the best that jail had to offer - solitary confinement. It sounds perfect, doesn’t it? No awkward fake machismo-filled interactions with badly-tattooed inmates to try and find your place in the prison hierarchy. No worrying that people will see your balls when you’re shitting into a bucket. All the slot-shaped food you can eat. Lovely - if we ever went to prison, we’d want solitary too.

But nooo, solitary confinement’s not good enough for Nick Bollea, which is why he’s spent all week bitching and moaning about all the crippling anxiety that being shut in a room alone for 23 hours a day is causing him.

Nick’s been trying his hardest to get busted out of solitary, but it was all to no avail - just the other day a judge overturned his request to move out. But then yesterday, as if by magic, it happened - Nick Bollea was shifted out of his dark little fortress of solitute and into a slightly bigger fortress of public masturbation and physical intimidation. ABC reports:

Deputies at a west Florida jail have transferred Hulk Hogan’s son out of solitary confinement into a communal cell. Seventeen-year-old Nick Bollea is now sharing living space with three other juvenile inmates. Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman Cecilia Barreda says housing assignments are routinely reviewed because the jail’s population constantly changes. That created an opportunity to house juveniles together.

Of course - Nick Bollea’s move is all down to the cell’s previous inmate getting released. Or getting moved to hospital because he was beaten up so brutally by his three mentally unstable cellmates. Or slashing his wrists and dying just to free himself from the unending pain of life as a juvenile prisoner. One of the three. Hooray! Well done Nick!

And with this battle won, Nick Bollea will be pumped up and confident ahead of his next fight with the prison officials - getting some curtains fitted in the cell. Nice ones, though - he doesn’t want anything clashing with his skin tone, does he, the little lamb.