Next Harry Potter Film To 3D Itself All Over Your Face

The world is a dark place filled with war, famine, and way too much pesticide.

Also it has that poisoned Chinese milk flowing all over the place like the mighty river of zebra blood that’s always babblin’ across the Serengeti.

You see where we’re going with this.

And to top it all off JK Rowling & Co have delicately decided to push back the next Harry Potter movie a decade or something - despite us having already promised dozens of starving orphans front row seats at a November premiere. It makes it look like we’ve gone back on our word - and that’s something we almost never don’t do.

What seems to be internetting about the globe as good news, however, is that the next Potter film is going to be jam packed with a marvelous 25 minutes of undeniable 3D. It’s thought to look so good that when Harry stabs out the eye of that unicorn - everybody watching will duck.

Now that’s entertainment!

For all of you people who are such loyal fans of the Harry Potter movie franchise that you’d sooner shoot your own mother dead rather than let her slow you down on your way to see Harry Potter & The Prince He Keeps Morbidly Cutting In Half (or whatever it’s called), we have a touch of good news for you. Rowling is rewriting the entire book so she can include a scene wherein Harry is seen working out all over Philadelphia to get ready to fight Carl Weathers, who it ends up has been secretly controlling all the zombies in Mordor. Take him down, Potter!

It’ll probably be epic.

What else will be epic is that the scene where (spoiler) Potter and Weathers punch each other’s faces at the exact same time, simultaneously knocking each other out in slow motion. That’s gonna be in 3D.

No really, it is. See - look:

Last month, during the IMAX Corporation’s 2008 Q2 Earnings Report conference call, Rich Gelfond, the Co-Chairman and Co-CEO of the IMAX Corporation told shareholders, “we believe this film will include approximately 25 minutes in IMAX 3-D split between the opening sequence of the film and the finale.”

Thank you for that valuable information, ComingSoon.Net. We here at hecklerspray positively thrill to that announcement, as will the starving orphans who will probably never get to see the film as they are, again, starving.

The orphanage where they live is already rationing their Lunchables. It looks like on one-a-day the food could stretch to mid January, but by June or whenever the movie is now scheduled to come out, their little stomachs will have long since eaten themselves.

A moment of silence for our friends, the starving orphans, please.