New York Mayor Gets Sex And The City Role

Without a shadow of a doubt, the new Sex And The City movie is easily the most highly-anticipated film amongst people who enjoy watching four crag-faced women sitting round a table talking about orgasms like they bloody invented them.

But it turns out that the Sex And The City movie will see another sex-obsessed harlot joining Horsey McGee and her horny middle-aged friends for their life of sipping overpriced cocktails in swanky bars full of insufferable tits and cracking onto men young enough to be their great-grandchildren - it's Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York! It's been announced that Michael Bloomberg has scored a role in the Sex And The City movie and, although nobody knows what he'll be starring as yet, early odds are that he'll be one of Kim Cattrall's dildos.

That joke could be counted as political satire if we had the first clue about anything to do with Michael Bloomberg, you know. 

We know it's a little unfair to judge a film that hasn't even finished being made yet, but we'd like to point out that there is literally no way on the face of the earth that we're going to go and watch the Sex And The City movie when it's released, for a few reasons.

Firstly, the adverts for Sarah Jessica Parker's new perfume make us want to bludgeon ourselves to death, and if 15 seconds of seeing her on a smallish TV set makes us feel like that then we hate to think what effect two hours of seeing her peculiarly equine face blown up onto a giant screen will have on us. Secondly, security on the Sex And The City set is so weak that you can't even open a newspaper any more without seeing every single one of its plot points revealed accompanied by a picture of Cynthia Nixon in a funny hat.

Thirdly, Sex And The City is a TV show, and we're not sure that the material is there to make it into a decent movie experience - although we're willing to reverse our decision on this one if it turns out that Sex And The City is actually going to be about Kim Cattrall saving the world from a collision with a giant asteroid by catching it in her fanny and blasting it back into space like some sort of disgusting Thai ping-pong girl. 

But you know what would make us go and see Sex And The City when it comes out in cinemas next year? All manner of pointless, severely-localised cameos that get shoehorned in to make up for the absence of an actual story, that's what! Jennifer Hudson from Dreamgirls is already down for a small Sex And The City role, but that's hardly enough.

Which is why we were thrilled to pieces to hear that New York mayor Michael Bloomberg has found himself a spot in the Sex And The City movie. Details on exactly what Michael Bloomberg will do in the movie are a little vague at the moment, but his spokesman Stu Loeser has confirmed that the mayor is due to film a scene for the movie in Manhattan's Bryant Park shortly.

While it'd be nice to think that Michael Bloomberg will be in Sex And The City as Sarah Jessica Parker's rival columnist who always starts his articles with lines like "You know, unilaterally setting aside billions of dollars for a city-retirees' health fund to stabilise unfunded future pension costs owed to city workers is a lot like doing it with a man," it's actually much more likely that he'll be on-screen for two seconds in which all he'll manage is one awkward smile.

But that's never stopped Richard Branson, has it?