Have you ever dreamed of having New Kids On The Block perform at your child’s birthday party? You have?
Well hold that thought for a couple of months. Because, at the rate they’re going, New Kids On The Block would probably do it for pennies before too long. And that’s because New Kids On The Block have signed up for a concert on a cruise ship.
Sure, they’ll be surrounded by shuffling old pensioners who stink of piss and can’t remember their own names – but we’re sure that the other passengers will get used to New Kids On The Block eventually.
Let’s play a game of Worst Thing Imaginable. First you need to remember New Kids On The Block – the 1980s boyband who you’d feel uneasy about leaving your car keys with. Remembered them? Good. Now age them all by 20 years so they resemble Albert Steptoe, Herman Munster, latter-era Donny Osmond, an extra from the set of Goodfellas and Harry Potter on crystal meth respectively. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Sounds like the Worst Thing Imaginable.
Well it’s not. Now we want you to imagine being trapped in a giant floating tin can with the haggard old New Kids On The Block. Worst Thing Imaginable? No – now we want you to imagine that you’re hundreds of miles from dry land, and that there are sharks in the water so you can’t jump out and swim to save yourself, and most mornings you keep bumping into Danny Wood in the breakfast queue and he keeps trying to engage you in conversation. Congratulations, you’ve reached the Worst Thing Imaginable.
And for some lucky holidaymakers, it’s about to be their Worst Thing Imaginable. After reforming last year and managing to stay together long enough to produce a photo, a haphazard live TV appearance and an album, New Kids On The Block have decided that the only thing left for them to do is become tawdry cruise ship entertainers.
Now, true, the common image of a cruise ship entertainer is that of a plump, desperately unhappy former star trying and failing to recapture whatever glory he ever had by murmuring along to a backing tape in front of a tinselly backdrop, but New Kids On The Block absolutely stand by their decision to play their cruise ship concert, as the New York Daily News reports:
“Our manager tells us this is not a cheesy thing, this is not a step back,” says Joey McIntyre in the video. And Jordan Knight wants fans to know his birthday falls during the cruise dates, on May 17. “I’ll be looking for presents,” he says. The New Kids ship hits the water from May 15-18, launching from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., then heading to the Bahamas. It will include musical performances and schmoozing.
OK, three things:
1) When Jordan Knight says he wants presents, he actually means food. The New Kids On The Block are very hungry, and their deal on the cruise ship included either beds or food and they chose beds. So, please, if you’re going on this cruise, don’t forget to spare Jordan Knight a ham or a couple of carrots or something.
2) “Our manager tells us this is not a cheesy thing to do.” Joey McIntyre, your manager is a liar. He’s also lying when he says that all band are required by law to fart in each band member’s mouth twice weekly. Be careful.
3) Schmoozing. Heh.
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WOW! You are a real jerk. Don’t hate on what you don’t understand. Where did all that anger come from? You should get over yourself and let us fans enjoy this because we love these guys and know what it is really about, so step off! Don’t hate them because they are talented, amazing and still hot! Then go ask yourself why you are so nasty and bitter and the guys and their fans are the ones that are the happy and positive ones!?
I’m so glad I had the prescience to know that NKOTB sucked when all of my friends were into them in the early nineties. It’s all nostalgia for these girls, reading over the lyrics someone so helpfully posted, no one in their right mind could honestly think “na na na na na na na” was good material.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 You people a maze me!!!! You come on here like you own the place and start throwing round and around you,re accussations about Stuart Heritage like that he is “a “Fool” (joeyfan79 like there’s even 79 joey fans in the world), “A HAter” by Knightbergs’ Girl and “drop by yo mama” says Red like that’s his real name I don,t hink so. Well listen baitches you all need to finish dissing (that’s short for disstressing if you don,t wanna look in a dictionry) Mr Heritage who but for the grace of him we wouldnt even have this site where we can dream our dreams and comment our comments so suck on that (the fact that we wouldn’t have it).
StuFan#1,
Its like you’ve found the words my heart has always searched for.
My word, there are funny things here.
My personal highlight was
‘YOUR A JOKE TO JOURNALISM!’
Although the quoting of lyrics was pretty special.
HEY WERE DO YOU GET OF SAY STUFF ABOUT NKOTB WHEN YOU DON,T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. A JOURNALIST DOES RESEARCH AND IT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE YOU DID YOURS. WE STAND BY OUR GUYS AND THEY STAND BY USE. YOU STARTED SOMETHING YOU CANT HANDLE WHEN YOU MESS WITH NKOTB AND THERE FANS .
Veronitard: My sole is rotten. In fact, all of my fish are.
As for being “retarted”,
I don’t recall having ever been tarted
though there were at one point
a few choice contenders.
Stuart, you certainly have the right to dislike NKOTB. However, please get your facts straight before you publish them. The fact is, their come-back tour was one of the highest earning tours of 2008 (a simple google search will reveal that) and their fans are not “old”. I was a scrawny geeky nerd in 1989, and I grew up to be a wife, mother, and successful professional. This pretty much describes the majority of the NKOTB fan base. I haven’t met any fans who smelled. If you think women ranging in age from late teens to thirties are “old”, you should stop by one of the New Kids’ concerts if you can afford it and you will see all kinds of beautiful, young, and absolutely HOT ladies. Men are like kids in a candy store at New Kids’ concerts.
i’m 100% agree with anilam18.
we’re adults. music is not only an expression of superiors brains… music express emotions. N
KOTB is an emotion for all of us around the world.
so what if we want to go to desert with the NKOTB or climb a mountain or eat a pizza in southamerica…
Stuartfan 1 = StuartLittle = STEW HERITAGE
He, or should I say “YOU” can dish it out, but you sure cant take it can you?
What is wrong with you people? Leave the New Kids on the Block alone!! Get a life!! Was your tour the number 6 selling in 2008 even when approaching a recession? Joey McIntyre is an extremely talented individual with legions of fans, one of his biggest being me, so I cannot sit by and listen to these utterances laced with pure ignorance. This group is a positive force in an industry that needed them to come back for the 25-32 year old hot women, not elderly, and all the rest of their fans. These women and fans who attended their events and helped spark some movement in this economy by staying in hotels, eating in restaurants, buying merchandise, and taking flights to see them. In fact, this entire group is a worldwide phenomenon. Regardless of your personal views of different genres of music, you have no right to bash the “blockheads” who support this group. We do not take it well as you can clearly see by the number of posts here. If they were so “washed up” why are you all so inclined to talk about them? Stuart, you must have realized that you would be stirring up a hornets’ nest when you wrote this. Don’t play dumb. Quit attacking those who post on here and consider how you would feel if your favorite group was being treated so rudely without cause. THEY CHARTERED AN ENTIRE CRUISE SHIP, STUART. THE CRUISE IS SOLD OUT AND THERE ARE STILL OODLES WHO WOULD BUY TICKETS IF IT HADN’T SOLD OUT QUICKER THAN ANY OTHER CRUISE SO FAR: John Legend, John Mayer, Rick Springfield, and soon to be Kiss. Are you going to write about these artists the same way? I’m sure the KISS Army would love to hear you rip on their favorite group. That should go over real well. As far as your comments about what Joey said about “Our manager tells us this is not a cheesy thing to do.” He was joking. All the guys have great senses of humor. Did you watch the whole video? I am going and do not believe literally that Danny will teach a class and they will serve drinks. Duh. It was jokes. We will be glad to see their show and hopefully catch glimpses of them on the ship. Your comments are why stars become so intraverted. Are you trying to ruin this experience for everyone going? LONG LIVE THE BLOCK!
I for one am not trying to ruin the experience for anyone, but rather
to point out that the experience is itself one of ruination.
You are doing it to yourselves.
NKOTB are the musical equivalent of Kraft cheese slices.
Entirely synthetic, bland, and unhealthy. As a musician, I can not
idly sit by while you consumer hollow crap and yell about how tasty
and good it is. Because it is neither.
The experience you seek is not one of music, it is one of communion.
You want to hang out with others who choose the same things you do so that you feel less alone and less frightened. The cause for banding
together is immaterial. In short, NKOTB are an excuse to hang out with like-
minded others, not listen to music. Go ahead, hang out, enjoy, but don’t
keep yelping about how great they are, because that isn’t the point of
the experience, and they aren’t.
100% futile post. Sisyphus. No one will read; the few who do already understand, the rest will read 5 words and decide I’m a “jealous hater”.
I’m trying to move oceans with a tablespoon. Time for another pint.
I fully understand if someone doesn’t like their music, don’t like it. That is fine. By why such hate? and meanness? If these 5 guys from Boston provide a certain segment of the population a little joy and happiness, why do you care? It is hard to find things in this world that can bring you that joy. Why must you try and crush it? To make you feel better? Seriously, what has the NKOTB EVER really done to warrant such hateful comment towards them. Why begrudge people something that makes them happy? NKOTB and their fans aren’t hurting ANYONE. If you hate it so much, just leave us ALL be and we will enjoy this reunion and the time with the guys that we have. And if any of you NKOTB happen to read this…..Ignore this goof. What the outsiders think doesn’t matter. You and the fans know what we have is special…and we will be loving you forever.
in response to Euclid: I LOVE NKOTB, have been a huge fan since the Beginning. I will say that they are NOT THE BEST musicians/singers/writers on the planet. In each category, there have been better. HOWEVER, its something about the performance, the interaction, their energy, their passion on stage. Some in the group are stronger at certain things than others. But it is the entity that makes them so wonderful. There is just a magic that happens when they get together…and perform for us. They are having a ball…and they take us along for the ride. An inturn, they feed on our energy. I am not ruining anything for myself. Art, music, etc are all so subjective. Who are YOU to say what I should like. YOu like what you like. And I LIKE IT…adn apparently Im not alone. and as far as hanging out with other fans…well DUH! We want to share our fun and joy and experiences. See the NKOTB website. I can’t explain it I guess. Having the guys back isn like having an old friend come back into your life. YOu relive the past for sure, but you also want to have fun building new memories. And if the parties involved are doing that…why should anyone care WHAT were are consuming, or buying. No one said you had to participate!
eculid, your repsonse is retarded, stop attacking NKOTB and us fans.
i heard that NKOTB are all gay and they secretly hate all their fans
Danny, Donnie, Joey, Jon, and Jordan: If you read this post know that this article was a sad attempt to get attention. Your supporters, however, defend you to people like Joke Police because their homophobic ignorance should not be tolerated. When you have nothing intelligent to say, then you take pot shots at someone’s sexuality? Grow up. They are not (2 are happily married with children and 2 others are divorced with children). But who cares if they were. That is certainly not an issue to anyone with an ounce of human compassion.
To Euclid: I don’t need to be saved from “ruination” and you really should get off your high horse and quit talking down to people. If you are a true musician the music does come first, but if you want to become successful you should find a way to get into the hearts and minds of people with your lyrics so you too someday might have “fans” as you choose to call us. I am a supporter which goes deeper than the surface fan to which you refer. Study these guys and learn why they are so successful. Like Heidi said, they know how to get it done on stage and bring the audience on a journey with them.
Not hearing your music, I cannot try to understand your point of view, but I will tell you this: I truly appreciate music in all forms. I’m not just blindly following the NKOTB crowd. I’ve heard artists from all different genres from small clubs to arena concerts and they all have an “it” factor if they are worth coming back again and again to enjoy. I challenge you to actually listen to some of the NKOTB members’ music. Joey McIntyre co-wrote all of his songs on the Meet Joe Mac album and starred on Broadway in “Wicked”. These things do not happen without tremendous talent. Some of the best musicians are not entertainers and vice versa. The New Kids on the Block or NKOTB are something special and I’m sorry you can’t see that. You are missing out. Music is for everyone to enjoy and for those who march to the beat of a different drummer–keep doing your thing too. There is room in the world for all kinds of music.
I’m not homophobic, I love the gays.
to Joke Police: I love NKOTB they care and love all their fans.
Then I take it you regard a Kraft ‘cheese’ slice as fine food?
It isn’t. You can like it. You can say it is. But that doesn’t make it so.
Kraft cheese has the “It” factor too. That’s why millions of bloated
Americans scarf it down. But if you examine how it is made, you realize
that it is not really cheese, much less food. Scientists designed it to
last nearly forever without spoiling, and to taste almost like real cheese.
(Although they failed on that bit.)
Now, NKOTB are exactly the same, except instead of a scientist in a lab coat
discovering a formula for synthetic cheese, it’s some overpaid moron with
a bad haircut who conducts auditions to put together an entirely synthetic
entertainment experience. You can enjoy it all you want to, just don’t harp on
about how great they are, because they aren’t.
It’s not people having fun that I resent, it’s people accepting some horrible
homogenized, market tested, synthetic simulation of real human emotions
that I deplore. Because they are not real emotions. I’m quite sure that NKOTB
are very good at making you feel al wiggly inside, or whatever, just as Kraft cheese makes your tongue feel all wiggly, but none of it is genuine and you are selling yourself short by accepting it, much less lauding it.
You are doing what you’re told; the fact that there is a herd behind you
stomping their hooves in solidarity should give you cause to think, but
instead you feel vindicated. So what is the point of the experience?
Communion. Feeling at home with the herd. Great. Enjoy. Just spare me your ill-reasoned abuse because your opinions aren’t even your own.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Obviously touched a raaw nerve so “touchay” which is German for “egg on your faces”". Baitches coming up in my face and biging up the NCOBT massive like they wasn,t a group from like *DUH WHATEVER* like fifty years ago! Time to wake yp and smell the program becaus this man (Stuart Heritage) is going literally nowhere so DDEEAALL WWIITTHH THHAA!!!!!!!!!!1 iT MAY BE TRUE THAT sTUART hERITAGE IS A gaymo in the cupboard I don’t kno and I DONT EVEN FRICKI CARE!1!!! I know what we have and that ain’t going to be stopped by old women chanting and hollering about passed days of glory which now are currant days of not glory in fact sham and hurmonall distress so just stop that! (chanting an hollering about passed days of glory)!
I’m sorry you stil feel so negatively, euclid. Are you willing to take on the challenge I gave to actually listen to some of the music or do you choose to continue to criticize something that you’ve never given a chance?
How do I explain the “it” factor? I won’t because who really can in a way that others would understand. It’s personal and not entirely laced with hormones (okay, they are all hot grown men and I’m not blind). Do I engage in groupthink? No. I love this group because I choose to and my reasons are my own. Maybe if you went to a concert you would feel differently about them. I don’t live my life by other people’s opinions.
Your “cheese” metaphor is appropriate in the fact that great entertainers are timeless and lasting like your too often described edible. Other than that it doesn’t fit. If it ever did, it surely doesn’t anymore.
Do you like any artist that ever appeared on American Idol? This is a similar concept to NKOTB beginnings. If you don’t, then its your loss because Daughtry, Kelly Clarkson, and Carrie Underwood are extremely talented. After all, Josh Groban got his big break from “Ally McBeal,” a television show. You must agree he is phenomenal. Should we stay away from his music because of his beginning? I think definitely not!!! I wasn’t trying to abuse you like you have others on this board, but thank you for telling me to enjoy NKOTB. I will. That was a classy statement on your part and it was appreciated. Take care. I’ve said enough and I hope your musical dreams come true (whatever they are)like mine have. I have waited nearly 15 years for this reunion and I’m enjoying every minute of it.
To Joke Police: I’m glad your not homophobic, but your words seemed to have that tone. How would you know how NKOTB feels about their fans? Do you know the guys personally? I think they would be much choosier with their friends. They have class.
yes i do know them personally; in fact i bummed them all last thursday.
thanks for you’re understanding.
to StuFan#1: the fans are young and hot, you are jealous hater, how do you know about passed days of glory? how do you know about current days? They have class.
StuFan#1, get a life. Stuart Heritage is an idiot for doing this article. NKOTB are obviously great performers & anyone that has been to a concert knows that. Why must you down someone else’s success? Is it because you are stuck writing articles about 5 talented grown men & you cannot get over the fact that women are still going crazy over them, unlike you & Stufan#1, which is probably you trying to disguise yourself.I will be on the cruise taking a much needed vacation with my 5 favorite men. Ladies, see you there!! Anybody have anything to say to me? Hit me up @ NKOTBCHICK4LIFE@yahoo.com
Ladies, I hear that it is a sure-fire guarantee of a band’s continued success if you shoot an Albatross whilst on a comeback cruise. Please bear this in mind. What? Coleridge? He was off his face on laudanum half the time. He didn’t know what he was talking about. Honestly. Just forget him. Click. Bang. Squawk. Three years of number one hits. Guaranteed. Would I, a total stranger on a comment thread consisting solely of NKOTB fans and their detractors, lie to you?
Do they have promise rings too?
“Albert Steptoe, Herman Munster, latter-era Donny Osmond, an extra from the set of Goodfellas and Harry Potter on crystal meth respectively”
So not much has changed…
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 You peoples are so not right it is hilarious!!
Like sayin I am the same as Stuart Heritage who is a person I just hapen to respect and admire and *yes* I like him a little bit too much and *yes* the doctr says I should e’s (??sp) up on it a bit so what what does it have to do with any of you’r busness?????? “Get a life and” “jeals hatred” what kind of abuse is that anyway why don’t I just abuse you and say that you are crazies people for wantin to kiss joey AND you would probbly kiss him on the wostit anyway so that!!!!!!!!!!!1 Do not be hating so much it is angry just leave Stuart Heritage out of this he is the incense in all off this anyway so just leave him alone enogh of the hating, dissing, name callin and general abusivness we do not need any more of that (hating, dissing, name callin and general abusivness)
Stufan#1, You have OFFICIALLY proven that you are an idiot. Nothing more to say after reading your last blog!
Hooked on phonics obviously hasn’t worked for you!
Did you get that StuFan#1?
YOUR AN IDIOT!
Now can we have a Scooby Doo-style reveal please?
“YOUR AN IDIOT!”
Oh, sweet irony, how I love you.
It’s OFFICIAL as well. There’s a rubber stamp and everything.
I don’t believe I need to save face, but just to confirm, It Was A Joke.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=your%20an%20idiot
This reminds me of the last time we had that painful debate about ironing.
Does every NKOTB fan not know what satire is?
Ah-hah – and you would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for, erm, me.
This is bull sh*t sigh s sight
new kids are fags and so are their fans
doom doom doom doom doom – it’s the doom song!
Did anyone see Jordan Knight on the Surreal Life? He was a whiney bloated little bitch. When he tried to sing it was sooooooo bad and the other celebrities couldn’t believe how bad he was. He was embarrassing to watch.
The only one of the bunch that is any good and not necessarily ugly really is Joey.
to StuFan#1: you are an idoit, leap frog obviously hasn’t worked for you.
Ok readers – did Lindsey deliberately misspell ‘idiot’? Is it satire, or idoicy? I can’t tell anymore.
Joke Police, your response is retarded, didn’t even make sense.
Turns out it’s idiocy. I can rest easy now.
As I said once before:
StuFan#1 – YOUR AN IDOIT!
JP – Gotta go with idiocy on this one.
Or perhaps idoicy. Or maybe it’s a code:
I do it = idoit = subterranean confession
This is without doubt the most craptastic thread so far this year.
Just imagine the tedium of being on that boat.
I hope they have a wonderful time despite the recent trouble with flocks
of birds attacking cruise ships. I hope they remember to wear hats
(and earmuffs).
@Joke Police: a typo, I would assume.
Does your pseudonym reflect the fact that you are out to ensure nobody has fun on here?
No – it’s because I once alerted HS to joke-robbery by The Sun’s Ally Ross. Maybe I need a rebrand.
I’m having a pretty good time myself, PG, but thanks for looking out. Appreciate it.
Nerds.
There will always be criticism. Some people just don’t get it. But who the hell cares? Leave them to the negative posts and thoughts while we carry on having a whale of a time. Who’s the loser in this? The ones moaning and complaining or the ones having all the fun?
I’m having a great time and I couldn’t give a damn if you think it’s sad. I think it’s hilarious that people waste time moaning for hours about something they care nothing for. The New Kids are having a laugh, making a few $$$ in the process, and the fans are all having one big party.
Meanwhile you lot are still moaning! haha. Brilliant.
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