Have you ever dreamed of having New Kids On The Block perform at your child’s birthday party? You have?
Well hold that thought for a couple of months. Because, at the rate they’re going, New Kids On The Block would probably do it for pennies before too long. And that’s because New Kids On The Block have signed up for a concert on a cruise ship.
Sure, they’ll be surrounded by shuffling old pensioners who stink of piss and can’t remember their own names – but we’re sure that the other passengers will get used to New Kids On The Block eventually.
Let’s play a game of Worst Thing Imaginable. First you need to remember New Kids On The Block – the 1980s boyband who you’d feel uneasy about leaving your car keys with. Remembered them? Good. Now age them all by 20 years so they resemble Albert Steptoe, Herman Munster, latter-era Donny Osmond, an extra from the set of Goodfellas and Harry Potter on crystal meth respectively. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Sounds like the Worst Thing Imaginable.
Well it’s not. Now we want you to imagine being trapped in a giant floating tin can with the haggard old New Kids On The Block. Worst Thing Imaginable? No – now we want you to imagine that you’re hundreds of miles from dry land, and that there are sharks in the water so you can’t jump out and swim to save yourself, and most mornings you keep bumping into Danny Wood in the breakfast queue and he keeps trying to engage you in conversation. Congratulations, you’ve reached the Worst Thing Imaginable.
And for some lucky holidaymakers, it’s about to be their Worst Thing Imaginable. After reforming last year and managing to stay together long enough to produce a photo, a haphazard live TV appearance and an album, New Kids On The Block have decided that the only thing left for them to do is become tawdry cruise ship entertainers.
Now, true, the common image of a cruise ship entertainer is that of a plump, desperately unhappy former star trying and failing to recapture whatever glory he ever had by murmuring along to a backing tape in front of a tinselly backdrop, but New Kids On The Block absolutely stand by their decision to play their cruise ship concert, as the New York Daily News reports:
“Our manager tells us this is not a cheesy thing, this is not a step back,” says Joey McIntyre in the video. And Jordan Knight wants fans to know his birthday falls during the cruise dates, on May 17. “I’ll be looking for presents,” he says. The New Kids ship hits the water from May 15-18, launching from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., then heading to the Bahamas. It will include musical performances and schmoozing.
OK, three things:
1) When Jordan Knight says he wants presents, he actually means food. The New Kids On The Block are very hungry, and their deal on the cruise ship included either beds or food and they chose beds. So, please, if you’re going on this cruise, don’t forget to spare Jordan Knight a ham or a couple of carrots or something.
2) “Our manager tells us this is not a cheesy thing to do.” Joey McIntyre, your manager is a liar. He’s also lying when he says that all band are required by law to fart in each band member’s mouth twice weekly. Be careful.
3) Schmoozing. Heh.
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@Sarah: That was brill! It’s like you were drunk, decided to write a sarcastic and somehow slightly hectoring message, then a few minutes later realised you’d fallen for the trap and reposted, decrying us all (and yourself, I guess) as “nerds’.
@Joke Police (which sounds like a bad Sting tribute band): Ally Ross “robbed” a joke? Unfortunately, you probably mean “stole” or “thieved”, as robbery involves (the threat of) violence. Though I bloody love the thought of him grabbing Lenny Henry by the nuts and saying “Tell me the punchline to the one about two nuns cycling down a cobbled street, or the next time Dawn sees these they’ll be in a fuckin’ envelope”.
Sonia, yes, indeed, you are correct. A true call to action
for the mass market music/media fabricators:
Let Them Eat Crap!
Glad you and your friends are enjoying the meal.
And three cheers for your calculated oblivion!
Who cares about different opinions, who cares
as long as we are enjoying ourselves? Who cares if we
blithely dance along to hollow manufactured fake sentiments?
Who cares if we suit up, don our jackboots and turn people
into lampshades? Who cares?! At least we are saved from thinking
for ourselves, and we all get to enjoy each others’ company!
Oh what a frolic it is! Hilarious, indeed.
If you can be persuaded that NKOTB are worth your resources,
you can be persuaded of anything…
It is not your having Fun that disturbs me, it’s your Mindlessness, your Thoughtless Obedience.
I THINK YOU ARE NOT ONLY BITTER AND OLD….BUT EXTREMELY ENVIOUS OF THEM!
THEY ARE HOT, VERY TALENTED, AND I’M SURE COULD GIVE A CRAP LESS WHAT “YOU” THINK. ARE YOU A MILLIONAIR AS THEY ALL ARE? NO….I DIDN’T HINK SO…..YOU JUST WISH YOU WERE THEM! LMAO!!!!
You should think before running people into the ground….EVER HEARD OF CARMA??? YOU JERK!
I’m not sure what trap you’re referring to because you’re a nerd. Obviously.
Yes Citylady1, monetary wealth is the sole defining factor of human quality. Are you a MILLIONAIR like Robert Mugabe? No, I didn’t hink so either.
And please enlighten me, as I have never heard of carma. A justful afterlife for automobiles perhaps?
Shittylady, et al:
You celebrate the dull murder of the human spirit
and castigate me for pointing it out.
Have you ever had a couple of drinks with a record company exec?
I have. You should hear how they speak about you. Have a nice trip!
ps. My “carma” is parked next to my bikema.
Gentlemen, gentlemen. look at ourselves. See what we have become. We might as well be telling them that
“Nn daughter of ours is going out dressed like a whore. That’s from your mother’s side of the family, you know.”
or asking
“NKOTB? What’s that? Some kind of street drug? Tell me who gave you the drugs!”
or stating that
“This shit you’re listenin’ to is fer crazy people. I’ll tie you up in the shed for two weeks with some Springsteen playin’ on a pair of full-ear cans and only yer little brother who never worked out right fer company. Go on. Git. Don’t think I won’t shoot yer just ’cause yer blood kin.”
We have become their disparaging, old-fashioned and now quite possibly deceased fathers. We are adding that frisson of resisting authority to their crowbarred-in time-travel trip back to their younger selves, completing the experience. The cunning of NKOTB and their demonic handlers knows no bounds.
Ah well, as long as I’ve been forced into the role I might as well enjoy myself.
Girls:
“You, and incidentally this house, are the result of a broken condom.”
and
“Remember that puppy we had when you were little that ran away? Well I actually came in drunk one night and sat on him. Snapped his neck clean. What are you crying for? He was the same colour as the freaking sofa. It’s not like I did it on purpose.”
and
“Yer momma says you gots to go and catch your brother again. Take the .357, it’s got more stopping power. You know how little Enis can soak up lead and still keep going. Remember your grandpaw? I don’t think I ever seen a horrifying giant mutant kid eat a wiry old man faster. Well not this year, or this side of the Ozarks, anyways.”
It occurs to me that I may have needlessly offended some of the NKTOB fans by intimating that their fathers are either careless wanton litigants, drunken puppy-killers or backwoods six-toed Wendigoes. I’d like to clear this up.
So, ladies, at great personal cost to myself I have dispatched investigators to further interview each pretend paterfamilias to prove that I’m in no way trolling. Much.
Dad #1 (recorded)
“Hell, there’s even a boat in the marina with her name on it. The wife wanted to call it Trojan’s Gift, but I thought that might be unlucky. Rules of the sea and all that. Woo-oo-oo! Spooky! I’ve got press clippings of the court case. It was a landmark settlement. My ungrateful daughter didn’t want to see any of that stuff though and called me an assface, but that might have been because I called her ‘my lucky accident’. Look, I’m sorry to have to cut this short, but tonight’s a special night. Yes, it is our wedding anniversary. How did you guess? Oh, the gimp suit with the genital window. Right. I forgot about that. You’ve been able to see my balls all this time, haven’t you? I think I’d like you to leave now.”
Dad#2 (recorded)
“In my defence, Sandy had his eyes shut and his little paws over his nose. C’mon! Against velour? You’d have a problem spotting it sober and, man, was I juiced that night. I either ran over a collie or a nun picking up litter on the way home. Hey, tell her I’ll get her another puppy. She’ll have to keep it at her place though, ’cause let’s face it – I’m still on the sauce and my ass is twice the size now. What chance does it have? Heh, heh, heh, heh. Yeah? Well, you too buddy!”
Dad #3 (live stream from satellite phone)
“Come on in and sit a spell with us. We was just about to set ourselves down and have us some vittles. I set some out for yer. Like that? Damn fine eatin’ ain’t it? That’s prime grade National Guardsman yer wolfin’ down there. Now don’t you get sick on my floor, stranger, yer a guest in this here domicile. Huh? Oh, the door’s locked, and anyways, the poison should be kicking in real soon. My missus Lurleen makes it from roots. It don’t make yer flesh taste funny. [sound of chair falling and something like a sack of potatoes hitting the floor] Hey honey! Guess what this one done brung us? It’s one of them newfangled Satan-Nav things. Tells you where the devil needs a castin’ out from. Better than that stuff we got offen that bird expert that time. You remember him honey? How you asked him if he could see birdies now? After you done hit him in back of the head with the shovel? But he couldn’t hear you none ’cause of all the blood runnin’ out his ears? Oh, Goddam it! Enis has dragged the body off. Lookit me. I’ve left this doohickey on. Wouldn’t want it to run out of batteries before I nails it to the dash of the truck in the mornin’ That’d be jest crazy. Get back here Enis! You know it’s yer sister’s turn fer the eyes this time round. [click]”
I’m a little worried about our third agent, but rest assured that if he does not return then his imaginary widow will have a substantial imaginary settlement awarded to her and the kids I made up.
In conclusion:
Go to your room.
You’re going for the Guest Blogger slot aren’t you?
I’m far too unreliable for that, JP.
Wow, you are kind of a D-bag aren’t you? I’m sorry I even gave you a hit on your lame-ass website.
It’s only a lame-ass website if you’re a lame-ass.
EUCLID~
If YOUR music is SO good and not mac and cheese, then why has NO ONE heard of you? How come your not coming out of the scenes? Have a CD out yet that I could find at Target?? Make enough $$ singing to pay your rent? hmm, PROBABLY NOT!!!
Magnetite~
CRACK KILLS!! and so does jealously!!!!
p.s.
Jordan Knight may have been on the surreal life whining, WHY DO YOU CARE? All YOU HATERS ARE ON THIS SITE WHINING LIKE LITTLE BITCHES!!! Why are you different? AND WHO CARES IF THEY ARE GAY?? WE WOULD STILL LOVE THEM THE SAME!
JEALOUS ASSHOLES!!!!!
to Joke Police, they are hot, I love NKOTB, I’m not stupid unlike you. eculid, you are a jealous hater, stop attacking NKOTB and the fans.
I love New Kids BECAUSE they are gay.
And I would definitely buy Euclid’s debut CD. Get it out of the scenes man!
Veronica:
You probably have not heard my music because
when the record company A&R man asked me what kind
of music it is, I told him:
“imagine Cecil B DeMille taking a central European town band into the middle of the Sahara and trying to teach them jazz…”
He stared at me blankly and then asked, “so is it jazz?”
And I said “not really, it’s something new.”
He scratched his head as if I’d told him I was a Lebanese insurgent then said “so it’s alternative?”
And I said “Alternative to what? It’s not Nirvana, if that’s what you mean.”
His distress was evident. His response, however, was stunning:
“Well, that’s it then. You have to pick one!”
“Excuse me?”
“If it’s not jazz and it’s not alternative no one will buy it, so you need to pick one.”
Well. There it is then.
Not the first, nor the last, in a fairly long and
dismal set of experiences that were all about sales
and making something that will sell, and NOT
about making music. Fair enough. That’s their job.
But then to have fucktards like yourself tell me
about how great this unmitigated shit is, well it’s just depressing.
There are so many great things that you will never hear, see,
read or experience because shitheads behind desks have to protect
their jobs which means they only back things that they believe
will sell, sell, sell. Listen to the extraordinary variety of the music
in the Top 100 in 1966. Whether you like any of it or not, there was a HUGE
variety of different kinds of things to choose from. VARIETY. CHOICE.
You are settling for generic mush.
And I am rabid about this because WE ALL LOSE!
Enjoy your McMusic- it comes at the necessary expense
of getting a choice between all kinds of different things;
but then you’d have to make up your own mind what you like,
and that’s just too fucking difficult now isn’t it?
Hey stufan#1 are you on something…..cuz you ramble on and on, and make no sense at all!! Better go get some help man…..and FYI 79 is the year I was born Dumb A$$….Your a morone…go back and curl up in your corner buddy!
OMG>…..seriously..I’am at a loss for words!! Where did you drop out of? No one knows who you are and your article is a joke. Anyone can write the trash you are writing. If you havn’t realized it yet, NKOTB fans are loyal and don’t back down. For those who havn’t heard the latest album. HELLO? Give it a try. Its hot!
I’am not elderly either! I’am a 30 year old…who’s successful, happy and loving a group that i loved back in the day. That wasn’t back in the 60′s dude. OMG..
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Hey joefan97 go and boil your egg cause “YOUR A MORONE” TOO ACTully so put you’re pipe in that an smoke it!!!!!!!!!!!!in fact why not smoke michael helps to while im’ at it (oooh typical! I ) I don,t even care bout your’re age anyway 79 isnt’ to old in thise days don,t no who your think you are but this is Stuart Heritage webpage and he deides what equality writing goes on hear no w take you’re out dated poopstars and you’re corner buddy and SHOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!1(YOu’re out dated poopstars and you’re corner buddy)
Yeah, you morone! What you are on!
Get off it! Buddy! FYI even Forrest Gump can tipe!
StuFan#1, you are an idiot, they are hot, leap frog obivously hasn’t worked for you, unlike you, they have class.
StuFan#1, you’re my hero. Fucking genius and always funny.
The fact that Lindsey is referencing a children’s toy gives one quite a perspective on her age and outlook.
Sarah, stop attacking NKOTB and the fans, 82 was the year I was born dumbass and I’m not a child, you are a jealous hater.
Wow. “Jealous hater”. That’s harsh. I mean who would ever think to put those two words together? How would that thought ever occur? Of all the great words of the English(ish) language, to choose those two. Breathtaking. Immense. Gratifying. Spectacular. Obviously someone of acute and dangerous intellect, stunning originality and undeniable, incisive psychological acumen.
Or a generic fucktard NKOTBlot fan.
Can’t you intellectually hobbled miscreants even insult someone well? Must it ALL be generic shit? Even the insults? This site has standards. Admittedly very, very low ones, but still… You could at least try.
Amazing! I grew up on NKOTB. I went to see them when I was thirteen and now I saw them 20 years later and they are still unbeliveable. I am proud to be a “blockhead”. No matter the negativity NKOTB receive, it will never out weigh the positive feedback. I rather for my children love and grow up loving New Kids On The Block with their positive messages instead of the negativity of other kinds of music. Go NKOTB…..thank you for being great kind hearted men. God bless.
I went on this cruise in May 2009. My friend and I went and we had a blast. Not only did we have a full concert we got to have a photo shoot with NKOTB, a question and answer session and they did a mock family feud game show. We also met so many new friends, who we still are in contact with. We got to go on a cruise to the Bahamas. It was so much fun that my friend and I are going again in May 2010. I can’t wait to have a great time with NKOTB again and see all the new friends I met last cruise.
…
all I have to say to this is “lol”
its been almost exactly a year since someone has posted on here. and, well, reading this, I’m loling. this is a completely pointless discussion.
“You, and incidentally this house, are the result of a broken condom.”
hahaha! told that to my sister. thanks guys.
btw, nkotb totally rule.
jus’ sayin’.
i love yiu new kids on the blocks
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