New Deadly Food Source for Unsuspecting Leeches: Demi Moore

It is a widely known fact that hecklerspray has a great thirst for scientific research. 

That’s why it peaked our interest to learn that a recent scientific study showed that when people hear the words ‘Demi Moore’ and ‘leech’, 97.624% (p < 0.05) automatically think ‘Ashton Kutcher’.  

Although such results are can hardly be classified as breakthrough findings, it explains why the vast majority of the world recoiled in disgust at hearing Demi Moore proclaim that she gets her blood sucked by leeches.  

Be at ease, folks. Demi Moore is referring literally to leeches, not an intimate relationship with her husband. 

Demi Moore has always seemed a bit unusual if you ask us. She named her daughters Rumer and Scout, lived in Idaho for some odd reason, found Bruce Willis to be marriage material, and why she ever changed her androgynous hair style from Ghost is just beyond us. So it only goes to figure that she’d subscribe to some bizarro health/beauty tactics as well. Like leeches. Blood-sucking, parasitic leeches attached to her skin until they become totally engorged and drop off dead. Ta-da! Instant A-list celebrity beauty.  

What’s that? Demi Moore’s stretched plastic youthful look is not natural?? That’s shocking. We haven’t been this shocked since we learned that MC Hammer is neither an MC, nor a hammer. But it’s true. Demi Moore was interviewed by David Letterman recently, and said that she underwent leech therapy as part of detoxification program in Australia. Totally coincidentally she is promoting her new movie, Flawless. Anyway, during the interview Demi Moore explains the ordeal in repulsive, stomach-turning detail: 

"It detoxifies your blood and they have a little enzyme that when they're biting down on you gets released into your blood. Generally you bleed for quite a bit and it detoxifies your blood. It crawls in and you feel it bite down on you … and then you just watch it swell up and get fatter and fatter and then when it's super drunk on your blood it just kinda rolls over like it's stumbling out of a bar."

Or in other words, mini replays of a typical night for Britney Spears. Eh? High-five up high? Anyone??

Actually, the whole leech thing makes sense, really. What better time to detoxify your blood than after it comes out of your body. And who couldn’t do with a little blood-letting. Hollywood starlets are looking rather bloated and fatty these days.  Still, we can’t help but be a bit outraged about all of this. There are some species of leeches that are practically endangered, and there goes Demi Moore attaching blood-sucking leeches all over herself willy-nilly just to watch them die from her toxified blood.  

Luckily, we have PETA on speed dial and have alerted them of the situation. We have it on firm authority that Heather Mills is already working on a nude PETA campaign for saving the leeches with the tagline ‘Suck money from your legendary musician ex-husband, not blood’.

Read more: 

Demi Moore's Health Secret That Sucks - AOL