Legions of internetters are up in arms because its recently been announced that a new Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie was in the works – and Joss Whedon’s magic hands are nowhere near the mixing pot.

Whedon, you see, is considered to have been the grand mastermind of the slayer series ever since he first heard the show’s concept whispered in the windy fart of his dying Nanna. It happened in a zoo.

Ever since, Whedon has been considered the Buffy authority. And now for some creatively tapped movie-makers to steal the reigns – well fans are pissed!

Good news – a new Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie is being made. Bad news – you may at some point be trapped in front of it. Say on an airplane or something. Should this happen you should just concentrate on the constant shaking and the fact that you’re 10,000 feet in the air with little to nothing below you. It’s the lesser of two nauseas.

The nerdier of you will remember that in the early nineties there was a Whedon-written Buffy movie wherein Luke Perry had to lick every square inch of an Indian woman in labour. She was baring the chosen one, you see, and Luke’s gaping-cheeks had to keep the placenta from ever touching the ground. The whole thing actually paralleled a plot-line from 90210 season three. We think it was directly stolen.

If we remember right.

Anyway – the people who owned the rights to that original Slayer film – well they kept those rights. They probably hoped and hoped that the original would find an audience on TBS or something. Then Joss Whedon’s TV show happened and brought a bucket or two of sleek 90′s hip to the whole concept – so much so that nobody anywhere in the world ever wants to see anyone else mess with the vamp-killer again.

Well that’s too bad, because like we said – the original owners of all things monster-killing are ready for a chunk of all this crappy Twilight action. THR has specifics:

“A new incarnation of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” could be coming to the big screen. “Buffy” creator Joss Whedon isn’t involved and it’s not set up at a studio, but Roy Lee and Doug Davison of Vertigo Entertainment are working with original movie director Fran Rubel Kuzui and her husband, Kaz Kuzui, on what is being labeled a remake or relaunch, but not a sequel or prequel. While Whedon is the person most associated with “Buffy,” Kuzui and her Kuzui Enterprises have held onto the rights since the beginning, when she discovered the “Buffy” script from then-unknown Whedon. She developed the script while her husband put together the financing to make the 1992 movie.”

But don’t anybody worry – the writers, producers, directors and what-have yous have all mentioned that any necessary changes will be minimal. For instance, there will be absolutely no Sarah Michelle Gellar. Also instead of Vampires Buffy will only slay pollution, and instead of a hell-mouth she’ll have to swim through the haemorrhaging hull of the Exxon Valdez circa 1989.

Word has it she’s only saved by a Green Peace crew toting recycled jars full of Palmolive and a very soapy sponge.

It should really make the kids think.

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