Those of you who have been with hecklerspray from the very beginning – god bless your shiny little faces – will remember our ‘Let’s Stop Bedingfield’ campaign, a poll designed to tell snivelling pop-eunuch Daniel Bedingfield exactly what we thought of him (i.e that he should end his own life as soon as possible).

His sister Natasha isn’t much better, is she? What a bland, anodyne non-person, right? Right. Which is why hecklerspray was truly astonished to find itself actually feeling sorry for the girl. Want to know why?

Novello-Award-nominated Natasha (yeah, well, there’s a surprise) not only has to endure the horror of sharing an apartment with her sibling … she also has to put up with his friends as well.

‘We still have all those problems you have when you live with someone,’ Natasha managed to say (probably whilst biting her lip and holding back the waterworks).

We say: don’t hold back, Nat. Let it all out. Cry, lady, cry. Because – altough hecklerspray has lived in some mouldy little bedsits in its time – we will never truly grasp the sheer terror of walking into the living room to find Lionel Richie sitting on the sofa.

‘Lionel was sitting in the living room jamming with Daniel,’ Natasha recollected (probably in the same shellshocked manner of someone who has just seen their grandparents mauled by a pride of lions … we expect).

Poor Natasha. If she had a braincell in her bubbly head, she may have realised just how close she came to seeing the destruction of the universe. Basic physics tells us that no two objects can occupy the same space at the same time (or something along those lines). Surely the compaction of such inspid mewling – Richie and Bedingfield, remember – into a space five-feet wide would have threatened to tear a rip in the very fabric of reality itself?

In hindsight, it’s lucky we’re all still here. Although – with Daniel’s album still riding high in the charts and his singles recieving substantial radio play – maybe it isn’t. Maybe it isn’t at all.

So, next time you see Natasha prancing around on the gogglebox, don’t go shouting ’shithead.’ Don’t go calling her a ‘talentless cow.’ The girl’s been through a lot, for God’s sake, so … you know …

… a simple ‘idiot’ ought to do it …

Sky Showbiz Can Fill You In

[story by C J Davies]