Natalie Portman Gives Birth To Human Centipede With Benjamin Millepied

Sadly, we’ve already used up our only joke in the headline of this story, but rest assured, because Natalie Portman has had a baby with Benjamin Millepied, we’ll almost certainly use it again. Because we’re thick. And unimaginative.

Anyway, Natalie Portman seems to have been pregnant for roughly eight years, which is not surprising seeing as she was incubating a human centipede (told you we’d use it again – bet you didn’t expect it to be quite so soon).

Sadly, as yet, the pair haven’t come up with a name for their son and there are absolutely no other details released to us unrelated plebs. Suffice to say, the two are overcome with joy that Portman managed to squeeze out a child with six legs, six arms and an ad-hoc three-body colon.

If you don’t know, Portman met Millepied while he worked as a choreographer on the set of Black Swan. Of course, you didn’t care much for all that dancing, but rather, focused solely on That Scene with Mila Kunis.

Perhaps Portman and Millepied’s eye met during the shoot for That Scene, with Benji Boy deciding there and then, that this is the woman he’d like to have sex with for the rest of his life.

They got engaged and she got pregnant and blah blah blah.

Alas, for those of you who like gazing upon Portman’s general loveliness, this baby-centipede brings bad news. If you remember, in May, Portman stated that she’ll be quitting Hollywood.

Taking her cue from Hollywood legend and notorious crackpot, Audrey Hepburn, she decided to become a mother, as opposed to a star.

“Audrey made some good choices in life. More and more I realize how unimportant it is to be in the history books or anything like that. Putting time and energy into your children, that’s valuable. “

She’ll be having a nightmare looking after this one, what with it’s constant weeping and horribly elongated body… because it’s a human centipe… oh forget it.

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