This week Naomi Campbell was accused of beating yet another of her underlings into a bloody pulp – but did she do it?

Possibly not. Miodrag Mejdina, the driver who called the police on Tuesday when Naomi Campbell reportedly tried to punch through the back of his skull so she could pull out his eyes and use them like a pair of slimy hen-night deely boppers, has now issued a formal apology to Naomi for ‘overreacting’ and blowing the incident ‘out of proportion’.

In completely unrelated news, some recently-kidnapped members of Miodrag Mejdina’s family have just been released by an unknown captor, although many of the children have had their fingers chopped off and the phrase ‘This is a warning. Never rat on me again’ tattooed across their foreheads. Oh, we’re just kidding. OR ARE WE?

Following Miodrag Mejdina’s apology, we’d also like to apologise to Naomi Campbell. We, like the rest of the press, may have leapt upon the story of your alleged attack on your driver with relish – lustily recounting all the other times you’ve gone batshit and tried to break everything in sight and painting you as a violent caricature of a bulge-eyed, hair-trigger lunatic – but we were wrong.

Because now that your driver has apologised for blowing the incident out of proportion, Naomi Campbell, we can see that we got you all wrong. You’re a sweetheart, deep down. You literally wouldn’t hurt a fly. So we’re sorry. Please forgive us. And, whatever you do, please don’t attempt to stave in our skull with your phone any time soon. Thanks.

Our apology was completely warranted, by the way. All the accusations of the last few days have really got to Naomi Campbell and, now that Miodrag Mejdina has admitted that calling the police was a little out of line, she’s finally decided to speak out about this week’s incident herself. And, surprisingly, by ‘speak out’ we don’t mean ‘climb on top of the nearest car, scream “I’LL KILL YOU ALL, YOU BASTARDS” and then start hurling giant chunks of masonry at strangers until she’s the only person left alive within a three-mile radius before breaking down and weeping at what she’s become’.

No. In Naomi Campbell terms, she was actually quite level-headed about it all. People reports:

“I was accused of unacceptable behavior towards a driver in New York,” the supermodel says in a statement. “I have worked very hard on correcting my previous wrongdoings and I will not be held hostage to my past… I try to treat everyone with respect and I am pleased the driver has apologized,” she says. “I would like to put the last few days behind me and move on.”

That’s absolutely right. Naomi Campbell shouldn’t be held hostage to her past. After all, if we know Naomi Campbell, she’d only end up staging an impromptu 24-style jailbreak against her past, possibly by shivving several of her past’s guards in the throat with a handmade shank and then barging into her past’s office to bludgeon it with her bare fists until she was pulled off its lifeless body. Nobody wants that.

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Tagged as: Miodrag Mejdina, Naomi Campbell