Stop the press! Naomi Campbell has just done the unthinkable – she’s settled out of court with one of her maids.

Why is that the unthinkable? Simple, because it’s the only time in history that the phrases ‘Naomi Campbell’ and ‘maid’ haven’t been directly accompanied by the phrase ‘blood… so much blood… someone make it stop… oh, the humanity!’

But, anyway, Naomi Campbell has settled out of court with a maid who claims she assaulted her in 2006 when she couldn’t find some jeans. This leaves Naomi free to pursue her other interests, which we presume involve bare-knuckle fighting and punching the wind in the face.

We’ve often wondered why Naomi Campbell hasn’t been asked to become a judge on something like X Factor. And then we remember why – it’s because, at the first sign of a bum note, Naomi Campbell would vault over her judging desk and start bludgeoning the poor performer’s head against the drum riser until she passed out from exhaustion. We assume.

Instances of Naomi Campbell rage attacks are like chocolates – everyone’s got their favourite. The early adopters like the original, where Naomi Campbell is alleged to have smacked a bejewelled Blackberry into her assistant’s head. The classicists like the most notorious encounter, where Naomi flung her phone into the back of her maid’s skull. The absurdists? They like the time Naomi Campbell allegedly punched a boat into splinters because she took offence at a plate of food. And then there’s Naomi’s aeroplane wig-out for the newbies. Everyone’s happy.

But us? We’ve got a soft spot for Naomi Campbell’s encounter with maid Gaby Gibson, because that’s when we knew there was more to Naomi Campbell than just mindless fist-swinging. It was perfect – Gibson claimed that Campbell was a ‘violent super-bigot‘ who had attacked her when she was unable to find some jeans. So far, so normal. But there’s more – Gibson said that Naomi did all that while shouting things like “You are not in the Third World any more, stupid,” and “Romanians are not usually as dumb as you.”

Genius.

Anyway, though we’d long since relegated this particular Naomi Campbell rage attack, which Naomi denied and was never charged for, to the glowing nostalgia centre of our mind – where we also keep the smell of outdoors and an image of how our eyes looked before they became completely bloodshot – it’s hopped back into the news again.

According to OK!, Naomi Campbell has decided to smooth things over with Gaby Gibson by settling up with her out of court:

It was announced this morning that the supermodel has settled with her former maid for an undisclosed figure, the NYTimes.com reports. The terms of the deal are confidential, reports the site, but both sides are said to be “happy” with it.

What? We… we don’t understand. Naomi Campbell doing something good? That doesn’t sound like our Naomi at all. Someone should hold down this so-called settlement-reacher and give her a bloody good DNA swabbing just to make sure she’s really who she says she is.

Because, seriously, if the alternative is a nice Naomi Campbell – a Naomi Campbell who bares her teeth because she’s happy and not because she’s about to tear a chunk out of your jugular and run off into the night with it – we’re just not sure we want to be part of this world any more.

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