If we ever got real close to Naomi Campbell the first thing we'd do is squinch our eyes and brace for impact.

Once any potential threat subsided we might become brave enough to ask her if we could please see the splinters in her knuckles that she's carried since the time she smashed her boyfriend's yacht to smithereens in less than ten punches.

We hear some of those splinters come together to form the image of Peppermint Patty playing tennis with several eight-armed holy people from Indian folklore. People might pay to see that Naomi!
Upon her death we really believe that splinter-hand should be severed, laminated, and displayed proudly in the Smithsonian – it sounds so beautiful! Despite her intrinsically flawed knuckles and the money they could bring in, Naomi Campbell can't be bothered with that kind of tripe right now. She's far too busy basking in the glow of having just interviewed Hugo Chavez, a guy who rules some country from the business end of a blackberry. We think it's Mexico.

Campbell has just interviewed the dictator, and she loved every minute of it. She got to touch his muscles, laugh about Fidel 'Estoy muy sick now' Castro, and perhaps they listened to a bit of Spice Girls.

That last paragraph, well it was all non-fiction if you can believe it. 

Naomi Campbell and Hugo Chavez have a lot in common. For instance sometimes Naomi Campbell hits maids in the face with cell phones, and sometimes Chavez's mom launders sheets at the Red Roof Inn. Also, both love interviews. In this case though, Campbell takes on the role of interviewer while Chavez just sits there looking pan-faced.

Her first time out with a pencil behind her ear Campbell sat directly across from Hugo, a man who came to our world on an asteroid in the mid-seventies when scientists didn't yet know they should check that kind of stuff out. And for the record Chavez seemed quite fine with a woman talking in his house, which is a tremendous step forward for the Foundation For Women Being Able To Speak Freely Inside Of Houses In Latin America. That's FFWBATSFIHILA for short – it was founded in England.  

Campbell was working on GQ's payroll, and her goal was as follows:

"I didn't want to judge Chavez, or probe him for his political views, even though he gave them freely. I simply went to interview Hugo Chavez the man."

Her interview of Hugo Chavez the man may have turned disappointing for Campbell when he would only answer her questions in between Wii tennis swings and bites from his foot-long triple stacked submarine sandwich. Our mom hates that too. The Chavez/Campbell conversation did take some fascinating turns though, turns like these ones – according to Metro:

"The famously outspoken leader declared George W Bush 'completely crazy', hailed Fidel Castro's fashion sense and said the Duchess of Cornwall was unattractive. Asked if he would like to go topless, like Russian president Vladimir Putin, the ex-parattrooper replied: 'Why not? Touch my muscles."

And touch his muscles she did, but not before he covered them in Vaseline to make the light reflect just so.

We think we heard that's true.

Read More:

Naomi Campbell's Interview With Hugo Chavez Talks Fashion, Politics – AHN