It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.
Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.
Put certain things together and you’re asking for trouble, as anyone who’s ever tried weeing into a plugged-in toaster will happily attest. So putting Naomi Campbell into Heathrow airport was always going to be a mistake.
Maybe because it’s so relentlessly grim and tatty, Heathrow airport has something of a reputation for sending celebrities berserk. Whether it’s Snoop Dogg starting an actual violent riot or David Hasselhoff wetting himself and then staggering around all pee-pantsed, Heathrow seems to do something to normally mild-mannered personalities.
And that’s mild-mannered personalities, so just imagine what it’d do to Naomi Campbell – a woman who once destroyed a yacht with her bare hands because she didn’t like a certain type of salad. Who are we kidding? Everyone knows what it did to Naomi Campbell.
On April 3, after the Terminal Five bungle misplaced her luggage, Naomi Campbell apparently threw a great big wibble, screamed at everyone and assaulted some police officers with either her fists or wads of her saliva depending on what you read. Naomi’s been banned from British Airways as a result – something she’s protesting by not going on any more of its flights – but the big news is that yesterday she was formally charged with assault. The Mirror reports:
She was charged with three counts of assault, two of using threatening, abusive words or behaviour to cabin crew and one of disorderly conduct. The penalty for assaulting a constable is up to six months in jail or a fine of £5,000 … [Lawyer] Mr Nicholls said: “She’s bitterly disappointed that she is to be prosecuted. She respects the decision and hopes the matter is dealt with expeditiously.”
Being charged with assault must come as an awful shock to Naomi Campbell, who’s got absolutely no frame of reference for any of this, barring all those other times she’s previously been charged with assault, naturally. Who knows how she’ll react to this? Who said ‘violently’? Yes, we expect you’re probably right.
But Naomi Campbell has no need to worry, because hecklerspray is determined to throw its weight behind a campaign to keep Naomi Campbell out of jail. Because, let’s be fair, if Naomi Campbell spent six months in prison, then we’d be deprived of the 18 subnormal public batshit Campbell tantrums she’s got pencilled in for that period. And that’s just bad for business.