The universe always makes sure that one door opens as another one is being slammed shut; look at Vanessa Hudgens – her family entertainment career may be dead, but at least now loads of perverts want to see her funbags again.
As hard as times have been for Vanessa Hudgens recently – as hard as you'd expect for a wholesome 18-year-old star of family Disney TV movies who's just had naked pictures of herself blasted across the internet – that isn't to say that she hasn't got a knight in shining armour coming to rescue her, albeit a sleazy knight in shining PVC armour riding a horse made out of dildos. Joe Francis, the founder of teenage tit-flashing phenomenon Girls Gone Wild, has offered Vanessa Hudgens something of a reprieve. Well, not so much 'a reprieve' as 'half a million dollars to stand around with her bits out all the time' but, hey, a deal's a deal.
This time a week ago, nobody really knew who Vanessa Hudgens was. Sure, the sort of children who enjoy watching pitifully aspirational sub-Grease musicals like Disney's High School Musical probably had some idea who Vanessa Hudgens was; but since they're the sort of permanently grinning, insufferably earnest children who seem to think that singing hymns into your ear as loudly they can will somehow cure your psychotic hangover, we're refusing to count them.
But, yes, outside of High School Musical fans, 18-year-old Vanessa Hudgens was a complete unknown. That all changed late last week, though, when Vanessa Hudgens died and Naked Vanessa Hudgens took her place. Naked photos of Naked Vanessa Hudgens started appearing all over the internet at an alarming rate, leading to manic speculation that Disney would quickly drop Naked Vanessa Hudgens from the High School Musical family, lest all the deleted scenes on the next High School Musical DVD end up consisting of Naked Vanessa Hudgens lifting her top up and whooping, Naked Vanessa Hudgens frantically rubbing her genitals with a passing chihuahua and Naked Vanessa Hudgens doing jelly shots off a whore's arse.
To try and help the issue blow over, Naked Vanessa Hudgens has apologised for the naked photos, but that hasn't even seemed to work properly, as unsubstantiated rumours are rife that she was taking naked photos of herself and sending them to boys when she was as young as 16. So, with her career hanging by a thread, what's Naked Vanessa Hudgens to do? Joe Francis – the creator of Girls Gone Wild, the videos where drunk teenage girls are coerced into exposing their breasts on camera – has an idea. And weirdly enough, Joe Francis' idea for Naked Vanessa Hudgens isn't 'go back to school and learn a trade' as United Press International reports:
The Los Angeles-based company Girls Gone Wild says it is offering "High School Musical" actress Vanessa Hudgens $500,000 to star in a video and commercial… "There’s a little Girls Gone Wild in every woman," GGW founder Joe Francis said in a statement. “And this should be embraced as a positive, not a negative."… "Being sexual is not a crime. She took a picture, it was leaked, and now it is time to move forward with her career. She is gorgeous, fun, talented and outgoing, which are exactly the attributes that Girls Gone Wild and its fans appreciate. We certainly hope Vanessa jumps on the Girls Gone Wild Bus and joins the best-selling late night videos in the world as a host."
Now, as charitable as it is for a jailbird like Joe Francis to offer Naked Vanessa Hudgens $500,000 to star in a hopelessly tawdry video that's marketed exclusively to perverted, borderline-paedophilic old men, we do sort of wonder what the point of it is. After all, the whole world has now seen Vanessa Hudgens' naked top and bottom – so there's literally nothing new that Joe Francis will be able to show us. What'll it be? Vanessa Hudgens naked in a funny hat? Vanessa Hudgens doing a naked ventriloquist act? Will Vanessa Hudgens be starring in a video called Naked Bathroom Grouting Gone Wild? Now that everyone has already seen everything that Vanessa's got, demand probably won't be all that huge to see it again.
And, anyway, $500,000 to see Vanessa Hudgen's naked breasts? When you can see Britney Spears' naked vagina for free? Yeah, good luck with that one Joe.
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Carmela says
funbags
Internet Pedant says
Agreed.
BTW, that’s some powerful and beautiful imagery in that second paragraph, Mr H; hecklerspray really needs to employ a resident artist to illustrate the stories.
Alastair says
hey vannesea babe!!
you ar eso sexe
georgina says
let vanessa in high school musical3 shes my first favourite and she will be for ever so let her be in high school musical3 zac loves her
shanell says
vanessa hudgens is the grossest famous person in the world selling her self i hate vaessa hudgens forever
Amy says
i dont thinc vanessa should b band from hsm just coz she sent naked pics on da internet. Lots of other celebs do it.
dncer girl says
she should not be in high school musical 3!!!! :);)
~hatevanessa~ says
she suck
balls
ps: zac’s balls
Anonomus says
I think she’s HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
She has nice boobs too(.)(.)
lala says
how could she do this was is so stuipd crazy n she ack like she want 2 show her boos n i know she want 2.
Rob Delaney says
OMG how cn sh do ths 2 hr fanzzzz, we’r al crazi mad fr vernessa n she goas n flazhes hr 80085 at like EVERONE is digustering