Myleene Klass Is A Cannibal. What’s For Dinner?
Dear Myleene,
You’d make an excellent cannibal. In fact, we can’t imagine anyone else consuming human flesh in a bikini.
As you gorge on bloody chunks to the sound of Liberty X, take a break and sing us the Toccata, maybe recommend your favourite composers. Anything is Possible after being in Hear’Say, and speaking of which, we know why the band broke up – because you ate them.
The British popstar turned model/actress/astronomer has her Hollywood debut in the bag after meeting producer Colin Steinberg at the Cannes Film Festival. He’s convinced that Myleene is right for the job, described as ‘a thriller about a woman who eats her boyfriend’.
This is commonly called a ‘casting error’. What can you do, after all, when a cutesy Norfolk popstar tries to eat you? If you’re in 28 Days Later, go for the head. She’s not human, she pukes blood – and we all know that popstars never puke. If you find yourself in some rom-com nightmare with Russell Brand, be sensitive, say “Please stop Myleene, you’re hurting me. All I wanted to do was make you laugh.” Communicate and show her that you love her anyway. Saying that, we can’t imagine the lovely Miss Klass in Cannibal Holocaust, nor can we imagine that this yet-untitled film will be any good.
US interest in Myleene has rocketed after she agreed to co-host the American version of ITV’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! She’s been paid £100,000 to present the show in her bikini. The reality TV beauty made a big impression on CNN with her film show, and bigwig, Colin Steinberg, during her visit to Cannes. When a girl tells you she’s interested in astrology, it means she wants to be a star. Don’t be fooled people, Miss Klass is gunning for American stardom, whatever the cost.
Mr. Steinberg said:
“She has that golden age grace and glamour. We have spent months auditioning for a beautiful, confident British woman to take on this challenging role. I gather she is very tied up with her TV work, but we will negotiate about filming it next summer.”
You can only imagine the brainstorming involved: cash-grabber A (we’re not mentioning any names) turns to cash-grabber B (gormless marketing troll). “British accents, bikinis – now that’s sexy,” he says. “Sex sells and so do cannibals, why not sell em’ both at once!” Cash grabber B, is ecstatic. His brain has been hurting all day, due to his inherent creative disability. “So uhh… how do we find a female cannibal and where’s England?” Cash Grabber C (The yes-man who likes his salary) has the answer: “Somewhere near Cannes… There’s plenty of bloodsuckers over there.”
She survived an artificial jungle adventure, introduced us to Shostakovich and sang to the atrocities of the britpop era…
But can she eat someone for her money?
