Shocker: A Kid From 1D Was Able to Steal Ed Sheeran’s Girl

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Ed Sheeran: Voice of an angel, face of a hobbit, but still somehow able to briefly bag mega babe, Ellie Goulding. In case you missed it, as it was so short lived, last year, Ed Sheeran and Ellie Goulding were momentarily a very talented couple. However, it quickly ended and people began to speculate that it was because she cheated on him with one his pals from teen dream super group, One Direction.

Now, when I first heard about this I thought “No way. No way would a woman cheat on a lovable little pudgy ginger like Ed with an insanely sexy teen from One Direction who makes even grown ass women like myself melt. Impossible.” In case things are getting lost in internet translation: I’m being sarcastic.

Are Beyonce and Jay Z Still in Love, Or What?!

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I kind of feel like making Beyonce and Jay Z a mix tape, WITH the first song on side A being: “Quit Playing Games with My Heart” by The Backstreet Boys, because these two have been fucking with my emotions for MONTHS! Ever since the whole Solange elevator fiasco, the rumour mill (which I have discovered is NOT a real mill) has been saying these two are having some serious marital issues.

More recently, even People magazine, the classiest fucking tabloid magazine on the planet, has been jumping on the “Beyonce and Jay Z are heading for divorce” train, which really made me think that the apocalypse was really upon us, because Bey and Jay breaking up clearly meant the end of the world.

Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda Video is Everything I Hoped For

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When Nicki Minaj released the most demure and glamorous cover art ever for her single, Anaconda, I automatically assumed that the accompanying video would also be the picture of grace and class. However, I was not prepared for what I watched today. 

The amount of ass that is in this video (not just Nicki’s!) makes even the beach episodes of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” look like fucking garbage. Just when you think you’ve had all the ass you can handle BAM! There’s more ass! Oh, and Drake is there, too, because why the fuck not?

Things Aren’t So Flawless With Beyonce and Jay Z

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I’ve spent a lot of time living in denial about this shit, but with the amount of evidence mounting, it seems like where there is smoke, there might actually be fire. That’s right: the greatest romance of all-time, Beyonce and Jay Z, might finally be coming to an end. 

Yes, they’re currently on a super successful tour together, and yes, her Instagram suggests that everything is all good, but insiders are saying it’s all an act and that Beyonce is sadly ready to quit this shit and that the two are actually staying in separate hotels while on tour.

Nicki Minaj is the Picture of Pure Class on Her Single Cover

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Nicki Minaj isn’t really known for being modest or shy with her body (bitch takes more topless selfies than Justin Bieber), but the artwork for her new single, “Anaconda” is a little much, even for Nicki. She’s clearly taking the whole “Baby Got Back” line “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” line to heart.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good ass shot as much as anybody, but this is a little fucking ridiculous. If Nicki bent over half an inch I could tell whether or not she bleaches her asshole, and that’s not really something I need to know.

Lana Del Rey Has Gotten Even More Depressing

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Perpetual bad bitch wannabe Lana Del Rey has been faking it ’til she makes it for years now with her “I’m a thugged out Lolita. Listen to how deep I am” contrived image. Heads up, I don’t even think bitch has read “Lolita”, which is a real shame as it’s a piece of fucking art. While I enjoy her music (when it’s not performed live) and do enjoy her image and style, I do feel she’s about as genuine as Bruce Jenner’s nose. 

“Born to Die” is one of my favourite albums of the last five years, but it’s also so pretentious it could make Gwyneth Paltrow gag. But, I digress. Lana has clearly always wanted to be considered something greater and more iconic than she truly is, so it really came as no surprise when she started spewing depressing ass shit about wishing she was dead.

R. Kelly’s Kid is No Longer Trapped in the Closet

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Once in a while, I’m given an opportunity to blog about shit that matters (not that the Kardashians the Justin Bieber don’t matter, because in my world they do), and this is one of those instances. Recently, R. Kelly (who is perhaps best known for peeing on teenage girls and hiding in closets) was in the media not because of his antics, but because his own teenage daughter came OUT of the closet as gay and trans-gendered.

Kelly’s 14-year-old daughter, Jaya, bravely came out on Facebook that he will now be known as Jay Kelly and identifies as a “transguy”.  Jay says he’s identified as a male since he was 5 or 6 and pulls a Roberta in “Now and Then” everyday by binding down his chest.

Solange Proves the World Loves Crazy Bitches

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In the past few weeks, Solange Knowles has gone from being Beyonce’s uglier, less talented sister, to being the Patron Saint of Crazy, thanks to her crackhead-esque attack on Jay Z. Well, apparently the theory that the public loves crazy bitches is correct, because Solange’s career is doing a lot better since she went all crips vs. bloods on her brother-in-law.

According to new reports that someone else looked up, because I couldn’t be bothered to, during the week ending in May 18, 2014 (the fight footage was released May 12th), her digital sales were up from 600 to 2,000! Apparently beating up on Jay Z will more than TRIPLE your digital sales!

 

Future and Kanye West Rap Most Romantic Love Song of All Time

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Ciara and Kim Kardashian must be feeling like the luckiest ladies in the world this weekend, because their respective baby-daddys, Future and Kanye West, got together and wrote them a rap song that is basically the epitome of romance. The video for “I Won” dropped yesterday, and let me tell you, it’s a real treat.

The song mostly features Future, who has maybe one of the most annoying voices ever, but Kanye makes a brilliant appearance rapping a verse about Kim that would make any girls heart melt. Let’s break it down, shall we?

Kanye West Went to Jail for an Episode of Lost

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Remember a while back when Kanye West beat the crap out of some guy at LAX and dude pressed charges? Well, on Thursday Kanye finally served his time like the hardened criminal he is. He rolled into the Hollywood LAPD, turned himself in, was put in a jail cell, then walked out 49 minutes later.

After years of people being up my ass about not loving “Lost” I finally started watching it on Netflix. In the amount of time it takes me to watch half an episode of “Lost”, take a pee/snack break, then finish the episode, Kanye West got put in jail, served his time, and was then released. Justice at its finest.