Nicki Minaj is the Picture of Pure Class on Her Single Cover

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Nicki Minaj isn’t really known for being modest or shy with her body (bitch takes more topless selfies than Justin Bieber), but the artwork for her new single, “Anaconda” is a little much, even for Nicki. She’s clearly taking the whole “Baby Got Back” line “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” line to heart.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good ass shot as much as anybody, but this is a little fucking ridiculous. If Nicki bent over half an inch I could tell whether or not she bleaches her asshole, and that’s not really something I need to know.

Lana Del Rey Has Gotten Even More Depressing

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Perpetual bad bitch wannabe Lana Del Rey has been faking it ’til she makes it for years now with her “I’m a thugged out Lolita. Listen to how deep I am” contrived image. Heads up, I don’t even think bitch has read “Lolita”, which is a real shame as it’s a piece of fucking art. While I enjoy her music (when it’s not performed live) and do enjoy her image and style, I do feel she’s about as genuine as Bruce Jenner’s nose. 

“Born to Die” is one of my favourite albums of the last five years, but it’s also so pretentious it could make Gwyneth Paltrow gag. But, I digress. Lana has clearly always wanted to be considered something greater and more iconic than she truly is, so it really came as no surprise when she started spewing depressing ass shit about wishing she was dead.

R. Kelly’s Kid is No Longer Trapped in the Closet

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Once in a while, I’m given an opportunity to blog about shit that matters (not that the Kardashians the Justin Bieber don’t matter, because in my world they do), and this is one of those instances. Recently, R. Kelly (who is perhaps best known for peeing on teenage girls and hiding in closets) was in the media not because of his antics, but because his own teenage daughter came OUT of the closet as gay and trans-gendered.

Kelly’s 14-year-old daughter, Jaya, bravely came out on Facebook that he will now be known as Jay Kelly and identifies as a “transguy”.  Jay says he’s identified as a male since he was 5 or 6 and pulls a Roberta in “Now and Then” everyday by binding down his chest.

Solange Proves the World Loves Crazy Bitches

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In the past few weeks, Solange Knowles has gone from being Beyonce’s uglier, less talented sister, to being the Patron Saint of Crazy, thanks to her crackhead-esque attack on Jay Z. Well, apparently the theory that the public loves crazy bitches is correct, because Solange’s career is doing a lot better since she went all crips vs. bloods on her brother-in-law.

According to new reports that someone else looked up, because I couldn’t be bothered to, during the week ending in May 18, 2014 (the fight footage was released May 12th), her digital sales were up from 600 to 2,000! Apparently beating up on Jay Z will more than TRIPLE your digital sales!

 

Future and Kanye West Rap Most Romantic Love Song of All Time

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Ciara and Kim Kardashian must be feeling like the luckiest ladies in the world this weekend, because their respective baby-daddys, Future and Kanye West, got together and wrote them a rap song that is basically the epitome of romance. The video for “I Won” dropped yesterday, and let me tell you, it’s a real treat.

The song mostly features Future, who has maybe one of the most annoying voices ever, but Kanye makes a brilliant appearance rapping a verse about Kim that would make any girls heart melt. Let’s break it down, shall we?

Kanye West Went to Jail for an Episode of Lost

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Remember a while back when Kanye West beat the crap out of some guy at LAX and dude pressed charges? Well, on Thursday Kanye finally served his time like the hardened criminal he is. He rolled into the Hollywood LAPD, turned himself in, was put in a jail cell, then walked out 49 minutes later.

After years of people being up my ass about not loving “Lost” I finally started watching it on Netflix. In the amount of time it takes me to watch half an episode of “Lost”, take a pee/snack break, then finish the episode, Kanye West got put in jail, served his time, and was then released. Justice at its finest.

Rihanna and Drake Continue to Play Games with my Heart

niggazinparisThis madness needs to end; my celebrity obsessive little heart can’t take it anymore. ARE THEY, OR AREN’T THEY?! Well, that’s the question that Rihanna and Drake keep forcing on their fans (but mostly me). Rihanna and Drake continued to confuse me this past week in Paris, where they were seen out canoodling together only to be followed by performing together at Drake’s concert.

Now, lot’s of performers bring out other performers to do duets with them in concert, but by the way these two were looking at each other and grinding on each other, can I please just go ahead and confirm that the Drake and Rihanna love is on and that every love song he’s rapped in the past few years have been about her? Ok, thanks #dreamsdocometrue

Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus Cry Out For Attention During Bangerz Tour

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File this under: bitch please. Or you can go ahead and cue the 1,000,000th joke about “Katy Perry Kissed a Girl…AND IT WAS MILEY CYRUS!” or some shit like that, but I refuse to use any sort of headline like that! I’m better than that (no I’m not), and I decided to go ahead and call a spade a spade. Like two drunk 19-year-old girls making out at a bar, Katy and Miley kissed in public for one reason and one reason only: attention.

Katy attended Miley’s shit show of a tour at the Staples Center in Los Angeles on Saturday night, because I guess she wanted eye and ear herpes to go with the genital ones John Mayer gave her, and while Miley was singing her meh song, “Adore You,” she spotted Katy in the crowd. So what did she do at the end of the song? Leaned down and kissed, Katy, of course, because she knew no one was going to write 20 million blogs about that (I’m such a sheep, I just give Miley what she wants).

Katy Perry Thinks Ancient Egypt Was All About Cheetos And Pole Dancing

katy perry dark horse videoKaty Perry is the musical equivalent of candy floss. Bright, sugary, and too much will leave you feeling a little sick and wondering why you thought it was a good idea to begin with.

Fresh from her ‘WHY DOESN’T ANYONE EVER THINK I’M IN THE ILLUMINATI?’ themed performance at the Brit Awards, Katy has released the new video for her single Dark Horse. Much like every other video she’s ever released, it’s complete with ridiculous wigs, over-the-top acting, and Katy looking all empowered whilst banishing evil men folk. We get it Katy, you got divorced once.

Taylor Swift Allegedly Gave Up her V-Card to Jake Gyllenhaal

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I might as well go bury my head in shame, because lately I have been all kinds of wrong. The other day I said Taylor Swift would probably lose her virginity to a stuffed Care Bear (as I assumed she was still a virgin because, come on, it’s Taylor Swift), but apparently she gave it up to Jake Gyllenhaal back when she was 20. Give me a minute because I just went into shock.

According to a source (aka Tiny Fey, because we all know she hates that little bitch), Taylor lost her virginity to Jake back when she was 20, after three months of dating. However, Jake totally hit it and quit it, and that’s what inspired the majority of the CD Red. For once, I kind of sympathize with Taylor Swift.