A Definitive Ranking of Taylor Swift’s Boyfriends

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Taylor Swift has gotten a lot of shit over the years for her extremely publicized romantic relationships and, I mean, let’s be real, she brings a lot of it on herself. She kind of puts all her shit out there for everyone to see. I mean, if T-Swizzle were a regular twenty-something girl, she’d be the chick that puts every detail of every relationship in her Facebook status, know what I’m sayin’?

Anyway, Taylor Swift has dated some jerks and some gems, and, given the fact that I have a love/hate relationship with T Swift, I’ve decided to sit down and do a definitive ranking of the top 10 guys she’s dated from worst to best. Yes, I know, the fact that a grown woman is spending her evening doing this is goddamn tragic.

JLo and Iggy Azaela Have Taken Me To Ass Heaven

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A mere month ago, Nicki Minaj blessed us with the music video, “Ananconda”, which featured her fake (yet full) booty on full display in all it’s glory. After watching the video, I was like: Goddamn, no video will satisfy my love of ass quite like this one, but last night something wonderful and magical happened: Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azaela released the video for their song “Booty”.

Aside from the fact that the song “Booty” is far less irritating than “Anaconda”, it also features some amazing close-ups of two of the best natural asses in the biz. JLo is legit old enough to be Iggy’s mom, but that doesn’t mean she’s lost in. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, this is the best JLo has ever looked. Sorry, Nicki Minaj, but the original queen of ass is back in town.

Avril Lavigne & Chad Kroeger Done Being Lamest Couple

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Don’t let the title of this blog fool you, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger certainly haven’t gotten any less lame, they’re still super fucking awful and lame, however, they may not be a couple for much longer. (Sadly) Canada’s most famous music couple (so ashamed to be Canadian right now) are, according to numerous sources, allegedly heading for divorce.

Avril Lavigne is barely 30 and she’s already set to be a two-time divorcee (she was previously married to Deryk Whibley of Sum 41. Another mediocre Canadian rockstar. She clearly has a type.) The two only got married in July 2013, so I guess it didn’t take too long for two of the most annoying celebrities in the world to start annoying each other.

Ariana Grande Continues To Proves She’s The Worst

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Ariana Grande is one of those celebrities that keeps proving to be a huge disappointment to me. I mean, I really liked Sam and Cat, and I think she’s very pretty with a great voice, so constantly hearing about how much of a  mega diva bitch she is, even to her fans, is pretty disheartening. Here I was thinking that Frankie was the most annoying Grande, but maybe not (no, he still is).

In one of my favourite films from the 90’s, Scream, Matthew Lillard and Skeet Ulrich’s characters say of Neve Campbell’s character’s mom: “That woman was a slut-bag whore who flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone or something…let’s face it, Sid, you’re mother was no Sharon Stone!” Replace “Sharon Stone” with Mariah Carey and that’s exactly how I feel about Ariana Grande. Bitch, you are NOT Mariah Carey.

Shocker: A Kid From 1D Was Able to Steal Ed Sheeran’s Girl

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Ed Sheeran: Voice of an angel, face of a hobbit, but still somehow able to briefly bag mega babe, Ellie Goulding. In case you missed it, as it was so short lived, last year, Ed Sheeran and Ellie Goulding were momentarily a very talented couple. However, it quickly ended and people began to speculate that it was because she cheated on him with one his pals from teen dream super group, One Direction.

Now, when I first heard about this I thought “No way. No way would a woman cheat on a lovable little pudgy ginger like Ed with an insanely sexy teen from One Direction who makes even grown ass women like myself melt. Impossible.” In case things are getting lost in internet translation: I’m being sarcastic.

Are Beyonce and Jay Z Still in Love, Or What?!

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I kind of feel like making Beyonce and Jay Z a mix tape, WITH the first song on side A being: “Quit Playing Games with My Heart” by The Backstreet Boys, because these two have been fucking with my emotions for MONTHS! Ever since the whole Solange elevator fiasco, the rumour mill (which I have discovered is NOT a real mill) has been saying these two are having some serious marital issues.

More recently, even People magazine, the classiest fucking tabloid magazine on the planet, has been jumping on the “Beyonce and Jay Z are heading for divorce” train, which really made me think that the apocalypse was really upon us, because Bey and Jay breaking up clearly meant the end of the world.

Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda Video is Everything I Hoped For

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When Nicki Minaj released the most demure and glamorous cover art ever for her single, Anaconda, I automatically assumed that the accompanying video would also be the picture of grace and class. However, I was not prepared for what I watched today. 

The amount of ass that is in this video (not just Nicki’s!) makes even the beach episodes of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” look like fucking garbage. Just when you think you’ve had all the ass you can handle BAM! There’s more ass! Oh, and Drake is there, too, because why the fuck not?

Things Aren’t So Flawless With Beyonce and Jay Z

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I’ve spent a lot of time living in denial about this shit, but with the amount of evidence mounting, it seems like where there is smoke, there might actually be fire. That’s right: the greatest romance of all-time, Beyonce and Jay Z, might finally be coming to an end. 

Yes, they’re currently on a super successful tour together, and yes, her Instagram suggests that everything is all good, but insiders are saying it’s all an act and that Beyonce is sadly ready to quit this shit and that the two are actually staying in separate hotels while on tour.

Nicki Minaj is the Picture of Pure Class on Her Single Cover

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Nicki Minaj isn’t really known for being modest or shy with her body (bitch takes more topless selfies than Justin Bieber), but the artwork for her new single, “Anaconda” is a little much, even for Nicki. She’s clearly taking the whole “Baby Got Back” line “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” line to heart.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good ass shot as much as anybody, but this is a little fucking ridiculous. If Nicki bent over half an inch I could tell whether or not she bleaches her asshole, and that’s not really something I need to know.

Lana Del Rey Has Gotten Even More Depressing

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Perpetual bad bitch wannabe Lana Del Rey has been faking it ’til she makes it for years now with her “I’m a thugged out Lolita. Listen to how deep I am” contrived image. Heads up, I don’t even think bitch has read “Lolita”, which is a real shame as it’s a piece of fucking art. While I enjoy her music (when it’s not performed live) and do enjoy her image and style, I do feel she’s about as genuine as Bruce Jenner’s nose. 

“Born to Die” is one of my favourite albums of the last five years, but it’s also so pretentious it could make Gwyneth Paltrow gag. But, I digress. Lana has clearly always wanted to be considered something greater and more iconic than she truly is, so it really came as no surprise when she started spewing depressing ass shit about wishing she was dead.