"It was very brave of MTV to start the show with a transvestite."

That’s how Borat, the host of last night’s MTV Europe Awards, referred to Madonna. And it was also just about the most exciting thing that happened all evening, too: Green Day, Coldplay and Gorillaz all won awards. Just like they always do.

47-year-old Madonna (CDs) opened the MTV Europe Awards by stepping out of
a giant mirrorball dressed in a nasty pair of purple knickers and purple boots to give
the world her very first televised performance of new single Hung Up.

Aside from Madonna wheeling out her pensionable ‘naughty old lady’
shtick again to flog a bunch more albums, and the 3D hologram
extravaganza performance by Gorillaz, the rest of the MTV Europe awards
were a bit of a snooze, to be honest.

All the bands that you thought would win awards did win awards, and
the only bit of controversy came when actor Jared Leto criticised George W
Bush – which is now such a tired way to court notoriety that even your
Mum has tried it down the shops.

Here’s the full list of MTV Europe Awards winners:

Best Male – Robbie Williams (Best male what? Best male insecure whining git?)

Best Female – Shakira ("Colombian prostitute" – Borat)

Best Group – Gorillaz (OK, good call. But just because we like holograms, mind you)

Best Rock – Green Day (The Corporate Clash)

Best Hip-Hop – Snoop Dogg (Solely because of that Rolf Harris noise on Drop It Like It’s Hot)

Best Alternative – System of a Down (Best Pretending To Be Angry To Sell Records, perhaps)

Best Song - Speed of Sound – Coldplay (We think it was the lyric "How long am I gonna stand with my head stuck under the sand" that really won this award for Coldplay)

Best R&B - Alicia Keys (She’s a good singer – where most people sing one note, she’ll sing 18)

Best Pop – Black Eyed Peas (Are Black Eyed Peas contractually obliged to attend every single MTV Award ceremony?)

Best Album - American Idiot – Green Day (Angry punk music for accountants)

Best New Act – James Blunt (Surely some mistake)

Best Video – Believe – The Chemical Brothers (A man gets chased by an angry robot, like that Citroen advert gone bad)

Best UK & Ireland Act – Coldplay (If these are the best, who are the worst? Athlete, probably)

Free Your Mind Award – Bob Geldof (The Free Your Mind Award? The Everyone Look At Bob Geldof Award, more like)

Read more:

EMAs 05: And The Winners Are… MTV

[story by Stuart Heritage]