Anybody revelling in the recent revival of the epic fantasy flick and expecting similar repercussions with The Golden Compass will be pretty unnerved by the shoddy results on display here.

While we, at first, put down our relentless fidgeting, itching, scratching and belching to poor seating arrangement, we quickly came to realise that it wasn't the chair causing our discomfort, it was this strange, manky moving cinematic sludge glaring before us.     

While we have yet to digest the source material, Chris Weitz's treatment of Philip Pullman's fantasy novel makes it appear that the original story must have been pretty illegible, and we mean that in the most full-on, in-your-face patronising way possible.

Well, you see it's all about a parallel universe, where people have demons (or is that Daemons?) that follow you around in the form of friendly animals, also there's this mystical and magical golden compass that can unearth the truth and then there's the fierce but trustworthy Gyptians and mean and nasty Gobblers? – oh cobblers! How on earth are we poor Pullman virgins supposed to master such mind-bending terminology when it's dished out so half-heartedly in a manner of seconds through lazily rendered prologue?

Never mind, it's sometimes the cast that counts! Daniel Craig, Nicole Kidman, Sir Ian McKellen, Christopher Lee… urm where they go? One critic complained ruefully that there are other actors besides McKellan and Lee that can be summoned up for these fantasy epic parts. Well did we blink and miss something? We're sure that McKellan only 'appeared' in voice form (vocaling a grumpy, once triumphant polar bear). And that poor old Lee was demoted to a glorified background artiste role in a five-second scene.

As for the lead roles, Craig presumably got bored, saw Eva Green (who plays good witch Serafina Pekkala by the way), got all nostalgic about Casino Royale, snatched her broomstick and jetted off to start filming his latest 007 adventure. Good job too as he's hardly allowed to imprint a mark here. And Nicole Kidman goes so icy at the limbs trying to out-do Michelle Pfeiffer in Stardust that she doesn't really register on the proverbial compass at all.      

So who's around to guide us through this murky, occasionally well-rendered spectacle then? A sweet, feisty, characterless 12-year-old girl named Lyra Belacqua (played by Dakota Blue Richards) that's who! Thank heavens, then, for Sam Elliott, that weathered, unmistakable 63 year old 'cowboy type' character actor with those deep commanding tones, trademark handlebar moustache and penetrating eyes. When he shows up he commands our attention and, for a time at least, saves the sagging spectacle from utter debauchery.  

After one literally jaw-dropping scene between two duelling polar bears (the other voiced by Ian McShane), Golden Compass begins to pick up a little momentum and excitement before completely deluding us and ending anti-climatically, supposedly left for the second instalment to pick up the pieces. Shame, as we were just starting to get over our fidgeting condition.   

[story by Oliver Pfeiffer]