The Eurovision Song Contest is a very special day of the year – a day when British people genuinely believe that a gonk-faced pikey rapper and his Readers Wives dancers will conquer Europe, then mumble about politics when he inevitably loses.
The UK's Eurovision Song Contest hopes are routinely dashed year upon year with the swiftest of European efficiency, but 2007 might just be the year that the UK finally wins Eurovision again, and it's all down to one man – Morrissey. That's right, Morrissey from The Smiths and several disappointing solo albums is in talks with the BBC about writing or performing the 2007 UK Eurovision entry. Sickened by last year's lacklustre fifth place ranking, Morrissey believes that he has it in him to bring Eurovision victory to these shores with his song, which will probably be called Oh Bloody Hell Why Is Everything So Shit or something.
hecklerspray's love affair with the Eurovision Song Contest is well documented, and for good reason. Take last year's Eurovision for example – where else on Earth are you going to see Croatian sex tape stars singing songs about their lovely shoes, horrific German cowboys and actual devils that have literally come from hell all in one room? Last year the UK attempted to out-kitsch everyone by slinging Daz Sampson into Eurovision so he could do a council estate rap about what his school was like backed by a troupe of 45-year-old schoolgirls. Predictably Daz Sampson failed – so this year the UK wants to pull out the big guns.
Well, sort of big anyway – Morrissey is reportedly in talks with the BBC about providing a song for Eurovision, as The Times reports:
The BBC has confirmed that it is in talks with the “Pope of Mope” and that his song could be entered in the public voting process to decide the UK’s Eurovision entry. “I was horrified but not surprised to see the UK fail again,” Morrissey said after Daz Sampson finished fifth from last in Athens last year. “There’s one question I keep asking myself: why didn’t they ask me?”… The BBC believes that Morrissey, 47, would prefer to write a song for someone else to sing.
Assuming that he finds time to write a song for Eurovision between prattling on about vivisection and how dangerous he is in America, Morrissey still wouldn't be guaranteed to represent Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest – his song would still be put up to a public vote alongside other candidates, rumoured to include Girls Aloud's production team Xenomania and probably some twat from Hollyoaks singing a song called My Heart Goes Bumpabumpabumpa (When He Holds My Hand).
But surely Morrissey would be the ideal candidate for Eurovision 2007. Actually, that's a lie – if The Smiths reformed, they'd be the ideal candidates for Eurovision 2007, but Morrissey would be OK. But even Morrissey would have his work cut out trying to top We Are The Winners by LT United – which frankly kicks The First Of The Gang To Die into a cocked hat.
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Mr Shankly says
He can’t just write it – Morrissey has to perform the Eurovision song this year. And at least make an effort to rip his skirt off midway through
Gilbert Wham says
If anything can possibly top last year’s win, I wanna see it.
Christopher says
“the ‘Pope of Mope'”
Oh sh*t I’m dying.