OK, not quite. But Morrissey has decided to tell his side of the Morrissey/ NME immigration yarn to the most unbiased arena in the land – the official Morrissey website.
Last week, Morrissey's torrent of alleged anti-immigration codswallop shocked all NME readers – so basically about a dozen 14-year-olds with funny haircuts and cupboards full of skinny ties – to such an extent that Morrissey was forced to sue the magazine. And today on his website, Morrissey is going to explain that actually he's not a racist, that the NME ignored his requests to help out on an anti-racism campaign and – perhaps most shockingly of all – the interviewer fidgeted a bit and laughs like a schoolgirl.
Oh, it's on.
When you're being interviewed by the NME, there are a few things that you absolutely mustn't talk about. Never call the swastika beautiful, never state your deep-rooted love for Phil Collins and never bang on about all the bloody immigrants like an old lady who's just found out that her grandson-in-law is a one-armed Albanian pirate DVD salesman.
Morrissey, though, allegedly hasn't heeded these rules – his favourite song is Invisible Touch and he doesn't care who knows. Oh, and he allegedly hates all immigrants a bit too. That's what came out in Morrissey's recent NME coverstory, where he apparently said:
"England is a memory now. The gates are flooded and anybody can have access to England and join in."
And since then Morrissey has decided to sue the NME for defamation.
So today Morrissey will publish a statement on his official website – we think it's www.kosovansgohome.com, though we're not sure – that will explain his side of the story to his fans. It's long, a bit rambling and contains the phrase "deep in the bosom of time", so we've picked out the relevant bits for you:
"I abhor racism and oppression or cruelty of any kind and will not let this pass without being absolutely clear and emphatic with regard to what my position is. Racism is beyond common sense and I believe it has no place in our society. To anyone who has shown or felt any interest in my music in recent times, you know my feelings on the subject and I am writing this to apologise unreservedly for granting an interview to the NME. I had no reason whatsoever to assume that they could be anything other than devious, truculent and unreliable. In the event, they have proven to be all three."
Morrissey, after a spot of reminiscing about how all of this used to be fields, then goes on to describe the interview with NME writer Tim Jonze himself:
"I do not mean to be rude to Tim Jonze, but when I first caught sight of him I assumed that someone had brought their child along to the interview. The runny nose told the whole story. Conor had assured that Tim was their best writer. Talking behind his hands in an endless fidget, Tim accepted every answer I gave him with a schoolgirl giggle, and repeatedly asked me if I was shocked at how little he actually knew about music. I told him that, yes, I was shocked."
And if there's one thing that Morrissey can't stand it's people who giggle girlishly and fidget. Well, that and probably the Polish.
In all, the most sensible thing here would be for both the NME and Morrissey to shut up about the whole thing until it goes to court, where a winner will be impartially chosen. All this endless mudslinging isn't pretty, and if it carries on much longer it'll end up looking as petty and ridiculous as one of our Celebrity Haiku Competition comment threads.
And, seriously, nobody wants that.
Read more:
I won't let this pass: Morrissey defends stance in immigration row with NME – Guardian
Mark Beaumont says
I work for the NME Stuart so sadly can’t comment on the issue in hand. However, this post is hilarious and brilliant and I’d like to offer you some freelance work. Please get in touch. Cheers,
Mark Beaumont, NME
Stabby McGee says
Get him to do the Morrisey follow-up interview! Go on, go on, go on!
C J Davies says
Something tells me the NME won’t be getting any more Morrissey exclusives … although I’m sure Stu would do a stellar job of verbally savaging whichever bunch of sixth-formers make the cover that week.
Chris says
Hands off Beaumont! Heritage is a lifer around these parts (we’re based in an open prison north of Scunthorpe).
Unless of course, you are Moz ‘pretending’. In which case get in touch and we’ll have a chat over a nice game of Scrabble.