Sometimes the top weekend box office movie can be terribly disappointing, as is the case with Monsters Vs Aliens.

Why’s it disappointing? Because we’re not entirely sure there’s anything to properly mock about it – it looks funny, it’s in 3D and it stars Stephen Colbert, Paul Rudd, Will Arnett, Kiefer Sutherland and Seth Rogen – just about the best approximation of a hecklerspray safe list ever created.

Seriously, we’re stumped. And, frankly, we blame the American public. If only you’d been more eager to go and see dreary-looking films about spooky Connecticut, we wouldn’t be in this position. Damn you.

Really America, don’t you know that all the films you elect to be number one at your weekend box office have to be badly-realised wads of cack? Because otherwise it’s hard for us to be rude about them on Monday afternoons. And that is why you go and see films, right?

That’s why we’re so disappointed that Monsters Vs Aliens is the US weekend box office number one – there doesn’t seem to be too many bad things to say about it. Except that, you know, Monsters Vs Aliens was made by the Shrek people, so in a few years we’re bound to be bombarded with endless, rubbishy, completely unwanted Monsters Vs Aliens sequels, TV spin-offs, videogames and something called Monsters Vs Aliens In The Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. So at least that’s something. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Monsters Vs Aliens – (Possibly the best Vs movie ever made since Kramer Vs Kramer. Or, at the very least, Godzilla Vs King Kong) $58,200,000

2 - The Haunting In Connecticut (Based on a true story, apparently. So that’d be the true story about the fridge that didn’t work properly until everyone got bored and fell asleep in the cinema, then) $23,010,000

3 - Knowing (Starring Nicolas Cage. That’s a three-word review that tells you everything you could ever possibly want to know about Knowing from your old pals at hecklerspray) $14,705,000

4 – I Love You, Man (Just so every knows, only go and see I Love You, Man at the cinema. Do not buy films called I Love You, Man from seedy-looking blokes from the back of a van. They will almost certainly contain hardcore gay pornography. Um, we heard) $12,600,000

5 - Duplicity (Is this a film where Clive Owen has to smile? Let’s hope not. When Clive Owen smiles he tends to end up looking like a boy on a Sunshine Bus visit to the seaside) $7,556,000

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