Monica Lewinsky Tries to be Relevant by Calling Out Beyonce


Apparently my Toyota Corolla is a goddamn time machine, because I drove home from work a half an hour ago and now it would seem that I’m in the late-90’s as I’m watching “The X-Files” and writing about Monica fucking Lewinsky. Thanks to the queen of fucking everything (Beyonce), Monica is back in popular culture. Oh good, just what everyone wanted.

Monica Lewinsky wrote an essay for June’s Vanity Fair, and in it she talks about everything from her affair with Bill Clinton to Beyonce mentioning her in “Partition”. She also does something incredibly stupid in her essay: she corrects Beyonce. Girl, you in trouble now!


In Beyonce’s super sexy jam, “Partition,” Queen Bey sings the line:

He Monica Lewinsky’d all over my gown.

If you’re older than 25, you probably know that this reference alludes to Monica Lewinsky’s famous blue dress which was found covered in Bill Clinton’s semen. “Saturday Night Live” basically had the greatest field day of all time when this scandal broke and frankly, in my opinion, got some of it’s best years out of making fun of Monica Lewinsky.

Anyway, in her essay Monica (who probably wouldn’t even be relevant now if Beyonce hadn’t mentioned her) calls out Bey’s grammar and says:

Thanks, Beyonc?, but if we?re verbing, I think you meant ‘Bill Clinton’d all on my gown,’ not ‘Monica Lewinsky’d.

I’d agree with you Mon, but I don’t ever want to get on Beyonce and Jay-Z’s bad side. Also, your name is kind of synonymous with a cum covered dress, so I get why Beyonce chose the words she did.

Monica also gets on with some bullshit about her worldwide infamy and how she’s still relevant and gets recognized every day. Bitch please. I’m a substitute teacher and one day a few months ago I had to teach a drama class. I was, for some reason, assigned to show them some episodes of “Whose Line is it Anyway?” from 1999, so needless to say they got none of the references and jokes. Twice, Monica Lewinsky was mocked and I was the only one who laughed, so I paused the DVD and asked the kids if they knew who Monica Lewinsky even was. News flash: They didn’t.

They’d basically all heard the Beyonce song, but didn’t know or give a shit about who Monica Lewinsky was, and you know why? BECAUSE IT’S NOT 19-FUCKING-99!